Dear Moe (30 Weeks)

Thirty weeks! It's hard to believe, sweetheart. In some ways this has gone by so fast, and in others, March can't get here fast enough. We have our next doctor's appointment on January 13 to make sure everything is going well with you, but so far, all signs are good. Your Daddy finally got to feel you move this week - you developed quite a case of the hiccups, and he was able to put his hand on my belly and feel you jump. Your Grandma was able to feel you, too. And whenever I see her, I offer your Granny the chance to give you a little hug. And she does. Because she loves you.

I'm feeling the push to get stuff done for your room. December was a bit of a write-off for that, between Christmas chaos and your Daddy's workload. But January should present us with some time to get things organized.

Here's what I'd like to get done in January:

-assemble change table

-go to Ikea and buy changing pad

-wash clothes

-move our stuff out of nursery

-put sheets and bedding on trundle bed

-put clothes into change table

-organize guest room (with the stuff that will be coming out of the nursery!)

-determine if we need that extra shelving unit from Ikea or not

In February, here's the plan:

-put up pictures in nursery

-put car seat bases into cars

-wash more clothes

-shopping for anything we need for you and don't have

-shopping for anything we need for labour, delivery and post-partum and don't have

But, lately, I'm just happy if I manage to put my juice glass in the dishwasher. :)

Occasionally, you leave me feeling pretty breathless, especially if I've eaten. I'm still feeling lots and lots of movement, unless of course someone asks, "So is the baby kicking?" At that point, you're never moving. *grin* It's getting harder to get a good night's sleep - I get up three or four times a night to use the bathroom, and I find my back and shoulders are getting pretty achy. (I should go for a massage soon.) I find that having a pillow for support helps when sitting on the couch.

The kitty, Boo, is quite attached to you already. He still loves to sleep wedged between the Snoogle body pillow and my belly. I wonder if you can hear each other. :) I'm not holding out much hope that he'll remain attached to you once you are born - it's my goal that you both just learn to co-exist without much interaction for as long as possible. *grin*

I have to say, little bean, you did pretty darn well at Christmas for someone who hasn't even been born yet. You got some lovely clothes, and a growth chart for your bedroom, and a nice stuffie. Apparently there is more for you under the tree at your aunt's place. :) We leave for Toronto to see her on Friday.

Keep growing, keep developing, and keep soaking up our love. We love you so much, sweet pea.

Dear Moe (29 Weeks)

Hi, darling. You have been a very, very busy little guy lately - so much movement, it's crazy. Sometimes, I like to sit and watch you move in my belly. You are doing some hard-core development these days, so I'm doing my best to take in lots of good nutrients for you.

My belly is getting quite a bit bigger - so much so that I only have two pairs of pants that I can wear outside! And I'm starting to slow down now - I can't walk as fast, I need to sit down more, and I find myself getting more and more tired. I'm looking forward to the holiday so the two of us can chill out a bit and relax.

As I prepare for this one, I'm having a hard time imagining what next Christmas will be like, little bean. You'll be about nine months old, celebrating your first Christmas ever. It's very surreal.

I love you - keep growing strong, and I'll keep trying to eat right. :)

Random Notes

1. Not 100% convinced that Moe is head down. It was a medical student who determined this at the last appointment. All the movement I'm feeling is in the lowest part of my uterus, which makes me think that is where someone's feet may be. I'll get it sorted out at the next appointment, which is in January.

2. Getting up and down on a chair again and again to hang tree decoration is way harder than you'd think when you're 7 months pregnant.

3. Holy crap, I'm SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT.

4. I'm loving the Lush Therapy Massage Bar my sister in law got me for my birthday. It smells like lavendar and orange, and feels so nice on my belly.

Dear Moe (28 Weeks)

Hello, my darling. Somehow, we've made it to 28 weeks. It's really amazing - in some ways, this is going by so quickly, and in others, it feels like you'll never get here.

You're just over 2 pounds now. Apparently, you can open your eyes and respond to light and sound. You also tend to get the hiccups at least once a day - it's very funny to watch my belly suddenly jolt with each hiccup. Also, your fingernails are developing. I've always marveled at the fact that babies are born with fingernails. Somehow, I wouldn't expect them to emerge so... finished.

We've given a lot of thought as to what some of our preferences will be for labour. Our prenatal class has been really, really helpful. We are going to try and develop good habits right from the get-go: a sip of liquid after every contraction, peeing at least once an hour, sticking together like a team, and a deep cleansing breath at the start and finish of each contraction. We're going to try and stay home for as long as possible to avoid being turned away from the hospital. When we do get there, I'm going to ask that I not be offered drugs - I know they are there if I need them and I don't think it will be helpful to be constantly offered. If the doctor on duty can do sterile water injections, I'd like to try them. And I won't be a hero and not have an epidural if I feel that I can't cope with the pain, but we'll try a few things first, if possible: mixing up our coping techniques for 20 minutes, getting my dialation checked to see where we are in the process, and asking for 5 minutes to think it over. I think we'll be in a good position to make smart decisions. At the end of the day, the main thing is that you arrive healthy. That's our primary goal.

I'm starting to slow down a bit now. I find that sitting for long periods of time makes me somewhat uncomfortable - my back gets a bit sore. I am desperately trying to remember to do my kegel exercises, but it isn't something that stays at the forefront of my mind. I try and do them on the bus when there's nothing else to do. I'm having night sweats and the occasional hot flash during the day. I tend to sweat more than I used to. And by 9:00 pm, I'm done for the day, if not before. (It depends what is on TV.) My appetite has decreased - I'm eating much smaller portions as much stomach competes with you for room. I'm drinking a lot of fluids. I still have nausea and occasional acid reflux, but nothing compared to before I started the prescription for zantac that Dr. P. gave me. What a difference.

We're still making quite a few preparations for your arrival - nothing concrete lately, but we're preparing lists of things to bring to the hospital, people to call or email with the news, things we'll need to buy in that last month, etc. Once your Daddy gets to the other side of the Christmas season, your nursery will begin to really take shape. Right now, his focus is surviving another retail Christmas. And kissing my belly and murmuring your name. I often ask him, "Have you hugged your baby today?" and then he gives you a squeeze and a kiss.

We love you so much, Moe. Keep growing. We can't wait to meet you.

Helpers and Visitors

At last night's prenatal class, we discussed the difference between helpers and visitors in those first few weeks post-partum.

Helpers and visitors are both wonderful and we are hoping to have plenty of both, but they are different.

Helpers are there to do non-baby related stuff so that we can put all our energy into getting to know the amazing creature that is Moe. Helpers do things like laundry, or dishes. They bring food. They swiffer. They might even clean the bathroom. Or shovel the driveway. They keep a slight distance from us as we bond with our son.

Visitors are focused on Moe. They are there to meet this new person, hold him and celebrate his arrival.

We've determined that in those first two weeks after we get home from the hospital, we will need helpers. I'm planning on pretty much staying upstairs for that first week. If Moe arrives on the early side, Bundy may be working during that week. I've asked my mom to plan on taking some vacation right after Moe arrives, but she can't do it all. So we'd love some helpers.

We'd also love visitors. They are a wonderful part of this rite of passage. But I think we'll wait to welcome visitors until we get through those first two weeks. We may change our minds - things may go really well and we may throw open the doors early. But for now, the plan is to have visitors after those first two weeks are over.

If you are interested in being a helper, shoot me an email and we'll gratefully add you to the list. Even if people could come by for one hour during one evening in that first week, it would be appreciated.

And if you are not interested in being a helper, but would like to be a visitor, that is just fine, too. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to be a helper! Goodness knows, we all have our own dishes to do. :) So if you would like to be a visitor, we will welcome you with open arms... after those first two weeks are done. :)

Dear Moe (27 Weeks)

All kinds of good news for you this week, little bean. You're almost two pounds, and measure about 14.5 inches. At our doctor's appointment this week, they measured my uterus and were pleased with the size (about 26 cm). Dr. P. was also comfortable with the amount of weight I've gained carrying you - although it is a little on the high side.

And I've figured out that funny feeling I something have... it's you, with the hiccups! I think it's great that you are practicing your breathing - keep up the great work!

Speaking of encouraging words, you received a card in the mail this week. It was from some lovely friends of ours who wanted to tell you that you are doing a great job growing, and to carry on the good work. :)

Our prenatal class this week gave us some ideas on how to cope with the second stage of labour, which is pretty much the part right before your arrival. It's becoming very real, Moe.

And we're doing an inventory of stuff for you - we're in very good shape when it comes to clothes, that's for sure. Our plans are a bit less material right now... we're thinking hard about banking your cord blood. It's something we'd like to do, if we can.

We also confirmed this week that you're head down, which is great. If you could plan to stay that way for the next three months, even better. :)

Dear Moe (26 Weeks)

Hi there, little bean. You are now about 16 inches long, and weigh a little more than a pound and a half. And your hearing is really starting to develop - apparently, if your Daddy speaks to you, you may be able to recognize and be soothed by his voice after you are born. Maybe we'll ask him to read us a story tonight. :)

You aren't growing as quickly as you were, but your brain is developing, which means that proper nutrition is as important as ever for me. But I'll tell you, I'm having some trouble with food these days. The nausea isn't as bad this week as it was last week, but it's still here, and acid reflux has become a huge problem. I'm going to speak to Dr. P. about it next week when we see him - there is very little I can eat that doesn't cause me pain and discomfort. As a result, I've pretty much cut out citrus entirely, which was my big source of vitamin C. So I need to do something.

We went to the second prenatal class last night, and it was really educational. I'm glad we signed up for these classes. Last night was all about the first stage of labour. We're making plans for how we're going to stay distracted during early labour, and different things to try duirng active labour. It isn't going to be easy, but I know you're going to be worth the work. I figure that if I can get through five years of infertility treatments, I can get through labour with you.

We've bought your change table (although it still needs to be assembled, and we need to hit Ikea to buy the pad), and have made arrangements to get your bookcase into your room this evening. I plan to spend time this weekend shelving your books and getting your room cleaned up. Last weekend, Auntie Jen brought over some of her little boy's most lovely baby clothes for you to have. We have lots of Winnie the Pooh (and Classic Pooh, which is my favourite!), which is awesome. And she's given us back the little Ottawa Senators booties that we gave her little boy when he was born. We can root for the home team together, Moe!

I love how you can respond to my touch. Sometimes we play a little game where we keep poking each other back. At the doctor's appointment on Tuesday, I'm going to ask him to tell me what position you're currently in. I have no idea if you are upside down or right-side up! I know it could change between now and your birth, but it would be great to know where you are right now. Most of the movement I feel from you is in my very low abdomen, which makes me think you may still be right-side up. I'm also going for a glucose test - I hope you don't mind me drinking what is essentially thick orange tang.

It's really crazy how much you can love someone you've never even met.

For the record...

I'm getting really, really tired of the jokes at work about how there must be something the water, or about how people should be careful whose chair they sit on.

Yes, two people in our section will have gone on maternity leave during the same year. But if there really were something in the water, I would have saved myself twelve grand, thank you very much.

And I find the whole "chair sharing" joke a little insulting to my husband.

Dear Moe (25 Weeks)

Hello, my darling. Apparently, you can respond to my touch now - which may explain why Daddy's hands still soothe you so much. You may even be able to see a bright light if I shine it on my belly. You're about a pound and a half, and measure about 13 inches. And I love you.

It's been an eventful week here - Daddy and I attended our first of six pre-natal classes last night. I think it's going to be a really good experience. Already I've gained a better understanding of what happens to my body when you decide it's time to join us here on the outside. I've also learned about more comfortable ways to sit and a few important exercises I can do. I'm going to bring the yoga ball downstairs again and sit on it during the evenings. I'm considering bringing the other one to work.

The class is also providing us with information about all the options we have for birth, and will help us determine our birth plan. That's basically our wish-list for how we'd like things to go, Moe.

Your crib is all set up, Moe. And I've started going through the many clothes that our friends have given us - you have lots of hand-me-downs that are in excellent condition. I'm trying to sort them all by size - but I'll tell you, Moe, the sizes can be pretty inconsistent! I'm having a great time, though. And we've put aside a couple of the tiniest outfits for your arrival and trip home from the hospital.

You make me so happy already, Moe. I can't wait to discover what we'll give to each other once you're here.

So, uh...

There's a crib in my spare room. It's all set up and everything. I mean, it doesn't have sheets on it, but it's there, installed, with a mattress.

And there are bins of baby clothes on the floor, organized by size. One bin contains a ziplock bag of teeny tiny socks.

And it's pretty freaking fantastic, but also very fucking surreal.

Dear Moe (24 Weeks)

Hello, little bean! You're over a pound now, and we've made it to 24 weeks. Two more weeks, and we'll be in that third trimester. Apparently, you're still pretty skinny, but you are properly proportioned and your brain is growing quickly. You sleep about 12 hours a day, and kick the rest of the time. I've noticed that when my schedule is messed up, so is yours. And when I'm very active and tired as a result, so are you.

This past week was exciting - you went on your first plane trip. We flew to Toronto for a few days. I hope that after you are born, the flight to Halifax to meet your grandfather and his family will go as smoothly. *grin*

While in Toronto, I visited with your Aunt R., and any visit with her is always great if it involves shopping. She's an expert shopper. I was really impressed with the Thyme Maternity at Sherway Gardens. I bought myself a PJ for the hospital, for after you arrive. It will allow for easy access for breastfeeding. I'm hoping to breastfeed you, Moe, at least for the first little while. But I know a lot of women who have had real trouble with it, so I'm not automatically assuming that's how we're going to roll. But I'll give it a shot.

This next week will also have some firsts - we have our first pre-natal class on Tuesday night. I'm looking forward to finding out more about what to expect during your arrival.

One bit of news that really touched me - your Grandma has already had three or four of her nurses ask if they can be the one look after me during delivery. These are women I've never even met, but they are all rooting for us and excited for us. How lovely is that? It is comforting to know that whatever happens, we're going to be in good hands.

This weekend, we're going to get your crib assembled. Right now your room is a mess! It's full of stuff for you, but it isn't organized. We'll get that crib put together, we'll move the trundle from the trundle bed out of your room, and then we should be able to get a few things sorted out. We'll also head to Ikea soon to pick up your change table. Reg has graciously offered to pay for it - he was eager to contribute something to your room.

The list of things we have for you is growing... we still have a lot to sort out, but it is getting exciting to see baby stuff in the house. Maybe that's why I haven't brought everything up to your room yet - it's nice to see it in the hallway when I get home from work. A nice reminder of things to come.

Keep on growing, my little daifukumochi. People out here are rooting for you and sending you their love. :)

Emails

Email from me to Janine: 

TMI, but I had to share:

I really, really hope I can get through this afternoon without throwing up because I just ate my favourite broccoli and cauliflower salad for lunch and I'm terrified that if I puke it up, I'll never want to eat it again.

Email from Janine to me:

LOLz

That's not TMI at all!

Anyway, I hope you keep it down. Is it possible that you need to increase your dosage of Diclectin?? My poor "tossing a sidewalk pizza" pandaone!

Email from me to Janine: 

I don't think I *can* increase the dosage - I'm at the max. *sigh*

Ah, well. It's a small price to pay, in the grand scheme of things. I just really hope today is a puke-free day (a rarity lately) because, as mentioned, I really like that salad! LOL.

I've been very fortunate, though, in WHERE I've tossed my cookies. So far there's only been one "not in a bathroom" incident, and that was in the privacy of my cubicle, and I was resourceful enough to pull out a plastic bag just in time.

Cross your fingers that I don't actually toss a real sidewalk pizza!

Email from Janine to me:

*nods*

And if it's any comfort, if you end up doing a technicolour yawn in a location that is not your bathroom, you can make it work for you later. When people are telling "hilarious places I've upchucked" stories, you can say "I totally ralphed in the following hilarious places...".

In the end, it'll all work out.

...and you know Moe will love it. He'll be like "Mummy, tell me about the time you threw up in that place and it was awful!" and you'll be like "It was a dark and stormy night, and my belly was full of you. I loved you very much and I was going home from work, and I stopped to watch the Shriner's Parade going by. All of a sudden, I didn't feel well and I RAN OUT INTO THE PARADE! I wanted to go stick my head into a garbage can that I saw across the street, but I was blocked by the parade!!!!"

Moe: YAAAAAAAY MOMMY!

You: "but I was blocked by a CLOWN CAR!!! And you know how Auntie Bambi feels about clowns!!"

Moe: SHE HATES THEM!

You: Exactly. So I put my head inside the clown car and I made 37 clowns really really unhappy! It was AWFUL.

Moe: MOMMY YOU'RE AWESOME!!!

Email from me to Janine: 

*grins* I love you.

Dear Moe (23 Weeks)

A quick letter this week, Moe, to tell you how happy I am that we've made it to 23 weeks. Apparently, this means you are "viable" - there's a very good chance that you could survive in the outside world if you had to. What a relief! Hopefully you won't need to for some time - get comfy, because I'd like you in there for another three months. :)

Did you know that you can blink your eyelids now, and that your hearing is well established? Do you hear my stomach growling when I'm hungry, or the sound of me laughing? I have a loud laugh - you must be able to hear it.

If you can hear me, you must know the song that I often sing to you. It's called You, by Fisher, and it played during the embryo transfer. In fact, it's been a beacon of hope for me for years. I can't wait to sing it to you with you in my arms.

Your room is FULL of stuff right now. We've got books, a crib (not yet set up), a play pen, not to mention boxes of stuff for you. Aunt Janine took stock of the situation tonight and said she's getting moving on painting your bookcase so we can start organizing stuff. It's hard to believe that someone so small needs so many things!

We're going on a plane this week - I have no idea if you'll notice. But we're off to Toronto for a few days. I'm going to go swimming while I'm there, too - although, I guess you're swimming all the time, aren't you?

Your Daddy finally felt you kicking the other day - it was pretty strange for him. I've had lots of time to get used to it, but he'd never felt it before. I'm sure he'll get used to it. :)

In a few weeks we'll be starting pre-natal classes to help us prepare for your arrival.

I love you like pancakes, little Moe. Keep growing, and soaking up our love.

Bundy, Kid and Moe

My dad requested a photo of me for the Christmas letter, preferably showing some belly. :)

We had Janine take this one for us. I love it because we look freakishly happy.

How am I feeling?

Overall, I'm doing really well and can't complain. But I do want to keep a record of how I feel.

One interesting development has been an increase in nausea in the last week or so. Apparently, this isn't uncommon as my body prepares for the third trimester, but it took me by surprise. (OK, irony time - I hurled while writing that last sentence. Hooray for plastic bags stored in my office drawers. *sigh*) I had resigned myself to the fact that it wasn't going to go away while I was still pregnant, but I didn't expect it to get WORSE. But, it isn't like I can't eat at all, or that I can't keep anything down. So it could be much worse than it is.

I'm certainly slowing down as I get bigger. I have a hard time getting up off our low blue couch without making a grunting noise. I noticed I was much less agile than I used to be while photographing the office talent show. Normally, I can scoot around on the floor really easily, but not so much any more.

I haven't used my new treadmill yet - the basement office is still very crowded with stuff I need to go through. I always have grand plans to go for a walk on it in the evening, but my level of fatigue has increased quite a bit in the last few weeks. The time change didn't help, let me tell you. It's so dark by 5pm!

I also noticed (some time ago) that I have hair on the side of my face where there used to be none. (It's like really, really fine sideburns.) I was relieved to read that it is a pretty common thing (thanks to hormones) and that it falls out two weeks or so after birth. My nails and hair are growing much faster than they used to. I really need to get to my hairdresser soon for a haircut - I haven't been since August.

On Saturday, I was kind of freaked because the baby hadn't been moving as much as I was used to. But I realized that I had also vomited my breakfast and hadn't eaten much all day after that. I ate a nice big meal for Saturday dinner, and on Sunday everything was back to normal.

This morning, he was kicking up a storm. :)

Also, wow, I'm sweaty. Unless I'm exercising, I don't tend to be a big perspirer, but holy cow, lately I am. I haven't had a lot of hot flashes in the traditional sense, but I find that it doesn't take much now to have me break out in a sweat.

I'm going to head out for a walk now - it's apparently gorgeous outside.

Dear Moe (22 Weeks)

So, we're about 5 and a half months along, little bean! Although, you aren't quite so little anymore. My belly is definitely showing now - it's made great progress over the last couple of weeks. Although, people keep saying that I don't look 5 months pregnant. At least, they did before this week. Now they are conspicuously silent. ;)

And you're almost a pound, apparently, and 11 inches from your head to your toes.

I think you must have really enjoyed our first pregnancy massage on Monday. I was lying on my stomach, but on special pillows that provided room for my belly to just kind of hang there, uncrushed. You kicked throughout most of it - I'm sure the sensation of being in "free-fall" was different for you. *grin*

We have an appointment tomorrow morning with Dr. P. Maybe I'll get to hear your heart beating again. I know you can hear me - it's so lovely to also be able to hear you.

I brought a bunch of pictures to Costco this week - they are images from calendars that I've saved over the years. I'm having them dry-mounted, and we'll hang them in your nursery. Some of them are images of Winnie-the-Pooh and friends, and others are actual passages from the books. Your Daddy and I agreed that we want you to be surrounded with words to read. You won't have to look too far, Moe. We have tons of books for your already - we've been collecting them for years. I recently read one to your Granny - it was the story of Edwina, the dinosaur who didn't know she was extinct. I can't wait to read it to you.

I've agreed to let your Aunt Marsha throw us a baby shower. It'll be at the end of January, when she comes to town for our BFF weekend. There are so many people who want to celebrate your existence, it seemed cruel to not have a shower. We'll have guys and gals, and get together somewhere relaxed to eat and laugh.

I think we're at the point where your Daddy could feel your movement with his hand on my belly, Moe, if it weren't for the fact that his touch seems to put you to sleep. Let's hope that carries on OUT of utero, too, ok?

I love you so much it hurts, Moe-Moe. Keep growing and turning into you.

Dear Moe (21 Weeks)

Hey, little guy. This week you got your very first dose of medicine - I was vaccinated against the H1N1 virus. So, yeah, I took a needle in the arm for you. Your daddy wishes I could do the same for him. *grin*

From the top of your head to the tip of your toes, you're about 10.5 inches long. You even apparently have eyebrows. And you're still kicking up a storm. You tend to be most active in the afternoon - from about 2pm to 8pm. And apparently, you are eavesdropping on my conversations! I did some voice work in a studio in Val des Monts yesterday - did you hear me saying the same things over and over again? One pregnancy website says that I could even read you stories now, and that some studies have shown that "newborns will suck more vigorously when read to from a book they heard frequently in utero." Shall I pick out a book tonight and give it a shot?

Moe, I'm slowly warming up to the idea of having a baby shower. I'm not 100% sold on it, but it isn't entirely outside the realm of possibility anymore. I've been quite reluctant because for so many years, baby showers were really painful events for me. And that was because I didn't know if you'd ever get here. But now that you are here, I kind of feel like you deserve a shower, even though some of the associations aren't great for me and I'm not keen on some of the traditions. So I think we'll play it by ear. I certainly don't want anything traditional, and I'd want to call the shots. We'll see. I'm going to talk to Aunt Marsha about it.

In the meantime, Moe, keep growing nice and strong, and keep kicking me! I'm not without hope that your Daddy will be able to feel you kicking soon - although lately every time I put his hand on my belly, you stop. We'd like to think it's because he's so soothing. ;)

Thoughts on Baby Showers

So I asked myself - and two very trusted friends, "If I threw myself a baby shower at the end of January when Marsha's here, and invited people to an evening at a bar (like Local Heroes) where I provided a whack of appetizers but they paid for their own drinks, do you think our friends (male AND female) would attend, bring gifts AND feel comfortable?"

And there was some resistance. The argument was made that by hosting my own shower, I'm robbing my friends of the opportunity to have fun planning it. And that really, people don't host their own shower. I'm pretty sure my mom will feel that way.

So I tried to explain why I would rather do it this way.

I want to be in control. NOTHING in this process has been in my control, nothing has gone the way we initially wanted. Not when I got pregnant or how I got pregnant. It took me a year to get over the fact that if we proceeded, my baby wouldn't have my genetic material. I recognize that in life, things very rarely go according to plan. Certainly, once my son is born, everything will cease going according to plan. But this whole process of starting a family has been so NOT according to plan and at times so very much out of my control that it's actually scarred me for life and has even made me weep with frustration and grief.

I want this part to be entirely in my control. I want to be comfortable at my own shower. And the only way that is going to happen is if I run the show, and I'm the host.

I appreciate that my wonderful friends would want to throw me a shower - I've had lots of offers, and I am touched by each one. But they are such emotional minefields for me that I really see this as the only way I'd get through a shower without sobbing in a bathroom.

So, that's kind of how I feel about the whole thing. We'll see.

Snoogle

Ok, so I bought the Snoogle body pillow. I admit, when Jaimie first suggested it, I was reluctant, mainly because the product name was "Snoogle".

But a week of really poor sleep convinced me to overlook the stupid name and cough up the $100 to buy the pillow and a replacement pillow cover. (I needed something easily washable due to the cat.)

HOLY CRAP. What a difference. I bought the darn thing on Saturday afternoon, and I napped with it for two hours after I got home. I slept better in those two hours than I had all week long.

Long live the Snoogle. Despite its ridiculous name. Worth every penny.

Friends for Life?

The weirdest thing happened yesterday.

I got home from work and lay down on the bed for 20 minutes. The cat crawled up next to me and snuggled into my belly. He was purring really loudly and I could feel his heart beating against my belly. Moe suddenly started kicking, as though in response. This continued for about 5 minutes - kicking and purring - until Boo got up and wandered off. As soon as he was no longer pressed against me, Moe stopped kicking.

Dear Moe (20 weeks)

Hey, there, little dude. You are kicking up a storm. (You tend to kick most right after I eat.) It's still a little too early for your Daddy to feel it with his hand, but it won't be long now before he can. You're about the size of a canteloupe, and you're covered in vernix, which will keep your skin from getting all bathtub-pruney.

Did you feel the party vibe on Saturday? We had a house full of your biggest supporters, and it was wonderful to look around the room and see all these faces that I love. We even had visitors from out of town - and one came all the way from Montreal just to celebrate with us.

Reaction to your name has been overwhelmingly positive - or it could be that we just have polite friends. ;) Either way, word is getting around. Your Aunt Reiko was tickled when she heard it.

Along with a great number of goodies from people who love you, you also received your first anonymous gift this week. I'm not entirely sure why the giver wanted to remain anonymous, but they dropped your gift off in our mailbox. It contained a lovely card that expresses my sentiments about you perfectly, and a lovely little newborn onesie that says, "The world is a better place with me here." How true that will be!

Some of the hand-me-downs that have come our way for you kind of blow my mind. We got a bag full of tiny little socks! I marvel that your feet will be that tiny - but also that big. I think I just marvel at your existence in general.

I've been pretty lax about taking pictures of my belly, but I finally got around to it this week. Here I am, with you, at 19 weeks and 5 days:

I love you like crazy; keep growing, and keep on kicking - it's the best part of my day!

Dear Moe (19 Weeks)

Hi, Moe! You are getting bigger and bigger every day. Right now, you're about the size of a mango - about six inches from your head to your bum. Next week, apparently, you'll be as big as a cantaloupe! We're about half way there, if you can believe it. Your senses are developing like nobody's business - the nerve cells that have to do with how you will taste, smell, hear, see and touch are developing in your brain.

I can feel you moving often now, and it's wonderful. I also marvel that you might even be able to hear the sound of my voice.

And we know that you're a little boy, and we've decided on your name. (I won't post it here on a blog, but if people ask, I'll tell them by email.) It's a good Scottish name, and it runs in my family. You'll have two middle names - Granny is going to help us choose a Japanese name for you, and you'll have my last name as your second middle name. And of course, your last name will be your Dad's last name.

I'm ready to start on your room now. I'd like things pretty much settled in there by Christmas. My first step will be cutting up some lovely old calendars and bringing them to Costco to be dry-mounted. We're also going to move the day bed that is in your room into the other spare room - that will free up some space for your crib, which we'll coordinate soon. We'll go buy your change table soon - we've picked it out from Ikea already. :)

So don't worry about a thing, Moe - just keep growing and developing. We'll have everything ready for you when you're ready to join us. :)

Ultrasound results...

Contrary to most guesses, hunches and dreams, Moe is... a boy! Bundy is overjoyed, and while I confess to a slight initial twinge of disappointment (I was SO sure it was a girl), I'm warming up to the idea very, very quickly. *grin*

Mostly, though, we're just so pleased that he's the correct size for this stage, he has all his important parts and they are all in the right place, and everything looks normal and great.

One wonderful thing about having a boy is that we only really had one front runner name in mind - whereas we had a couple in mind for a girl. So we know what this little guy's name is going to be, but we're going to keep calling him Moe for a while because we just like that nickname so much. *grin*

So, we'll apparently start piping the Star Wars trilogy directly into the uterus tomorrow night.

Dear Moe: A note on self-defense

So I was thinking today about all the wonderful aspects of being a mom to a boy. (If the ultrasound had gone the other way, I'd be thinking about all the wonderful aspects of being a mom to a girl.)

And of course I thought about how I'll eventually ask Uncle Ted to teach you how to defend yourself. And how someday we may enroll you in a martial arts class - not just for self-defense, but for the self-discipline that comes with that. Which of course got me thinking about fighting.

So here's the deal.

Don't EVER be the person who throws the first punch - even if someone says something about your mother. But, if someone else starts a fight, I sure want you to be able to finish it.

Having said that, just because someone throws a punch doesn't mean you have to reciprocate. It's about making choices. No matter what the situation, if you throw a punch at someone, there are going to be consequences. If you're in school, you could be suspended. If you're older, there could be a police report and charges laid. At the very least, the person could have a really big friend bent on revenge. There is no participation in a fight that doesn't come with some kind of consequence. Some of those consequences are more obvious than others.

You need to decide - and quickly, often in the split seconds as that fist comes toward your jaw - if your participation is worth the consequence. There will definitely be times that it just isn't worth it. But sometimes it may very well be. Consider why you are fighting, consider what you are fighting for.

It's the decisions that you make in determining whether or not it's worth it that then determine your character.

You may not always make the right decision. But be sure to learn from every decision you make.

Dear Moe (18 weeks)

Even though I still think of you as my little bean, you're actually about the size of a sweet potato. And we're getting to the halfway mark! You're about 6 inches long, and are apparently moving all over the place.

I've felt you move a few times now, and let me tell you, it doesn't get old. I admit, it's a little surreal, but very cool. Yesterday, it was while I was sitting in a meeting and I don't think anyone noticed my face, but I'm sure I looked startled.

My belly is certainly growing now. In fact, I really must start taking some belly photos. I'll try and do that over the weekend. I've gained about 12 lbs or so, which seems to be pretty normal.

Just one more day until we get to see you. I'm so excited - we want to make sure you are healthy and growing well, and we'd love to know if you are a boy or a girl. (Although your Daddy says that if we're told you're a girl, he may keep referring to you as Moe just in case the ultrasound is wrong.)

Your Daddy is still bringing home lots of books for you. He surprised me the other day with all of the Sandra Boynton board books we don't already have. I'm really excited about reading to you, Moe - I want your life to be full of books. At the very least, your house will be! Your Daddy also brought home some of the Mr. Man and Little Miss books.

I've decided on the colour of paint for your bookcase; I just need to hit Home Depot to pick up a can and drop it off at your Aunt JFlo's place. She's currently quarantining herself from us because she may have been exposed to the chicken pox. People are being very careful and considerate of you, Moe - it will be wonderful when you get to meet all the people out here who love you already.

And a lot of them are going to be coming to our house next weekend. (Which is why I'll be cleaning the house like a madwoman THIS weekend.) We've invited people to come and celebrate your existence, but the main purpose of the party is to thank them for their awesome support over the last five years. You've had a lot of people rooting for you for a long time, sweetie - I think it will take just as long (if not longer) for you to understand how much love there is around you, and how wonderful that is. Your Daddy and I are going to make mistakes - I can promise you that. But you'll never want for love.

Dear Moe (17 Weeks)

Hi, Moe. The coolest thing happened last night. I was lying in bed (I've been doing that a lot lately, as I've been pretty sick with a bad cold) and suddenly, I felt you moving. Probably not a big deal for you, since you've been moving for a while, but it was a great big deal for me. I felt you kick me. It was pretty freaking cool. Keep up the great work, and keep letting me know you're there and ok.

This cold has been a real doozy because normally, I'd take some DayQuil or some NyQuil and that would help with the symptoms, but I don't want to take anything that might hurt you. So it's been Halls and Vicks for now. But I think I'm on the mend - the congestion in my chest is breaking up, and I'm not feeling quite as dead to the world as I was before. Also, swallowing doesn't hurt so much that I want to cry. But your Daddy now has a sore throat, and I think it's going to get worse before it gets better.

My coworkers surprised me today and gave me a lovely card with a gift card for Thyme Maternity! This is good news because I really only have two pairs of pants I can wear right now. But all that will change on Tuesday when I pick up my maternity jeans and dress pants from the tailor's - I needed them hemmed. (Don't expect to learn any sewing skills from me, Moe. You'll have to go to Granny for that.)

Can't wait to see you on Thursday of next week, Moe-Moe. I'll make you a deal - I'll drink tea with sugar if you can do your best to not be shy. :)

Dear Moe (16 weeks)

Hello, sweet bean. You're now the size of an avocado! And you're about to embark on a huge growth spurt over the next few weeks. Your ears can apparently pick up the sound of my voice - which boggles my mind like you wouldn't believe - and you are becoming quite playful, turning somersaults and playing with the umbilical cord.

According to Baby Centre, the name of the game for the next four weeks is Vitamin D and calcium. So, Moe, get ready for an onslaught of the following foods: eggs, hummus, almonds, milk, yogurt and cheese. I simply can't do fish - the only fish I like is the fish I'm not allowed to eat, so I'll have to up my egg intake. And, weather willing, I'll try to get outside for half an hour at lunch time to soak up some Vitamin D the fun way.

Granny brought back a car load of stuff from your aunt and uncle in Toronto, so we now have a high chair and a playpen for you, among other things. We've been having fun filling out your baby registry and planning your nursery. I bought you a lamp the other day - it is perfect for the nursery, and it was being discontinued, so I jumped at the chance. It feels really wonderful to be able to buy things for you - there is still a cloud of fear that hangs over me, but not like it did in the first trimester. I suspect that cloud of fear for your safety might just be there for the rest of your life. ;) But don't worry, Moe, I won't let myself be ruled by it.

It's pretty amazing how I can love someone I've never even met, but I do. Moe, your very existence makes me so happy. I'm looking forward to feeling you move in the next couple of weeks, and your Daddy and I are both looking forward to the ultrasound in early October. Please don't be shy - we'd love to know if you are a girl or a boy!

Dear Moe (Bonus)

Please get off my bladder. Mommy would like to get some work done today.

Hugs and kisses.

Invitation for October 17

Bundy and I would like to invite you to a party on Saturday, October 17, in honour of all the wonderful friends and family who have been so supportive of us in our ongoing journey toward parenthood.

We have been so fortunate to have so many people keeping the faith and crossing their fingers for us - we'd like to thank you with some Bundy-cooked food and good cheer.

We would be honoured if you would attend. Children are welcome - feel free to bring outdoor toys for them, as we have a nice stretch of parkland behind our house.

Things will get underway around 2pm - please feel free to drop by for a visit of whatever length of time works best for you.

However, we'd really appreciate it if you could let us know if you plan on coming. This will help Bundy determine how much food and beverage to have on hand. :)

Dear Moe (Week 13)

Hey, there, little bean. You're about 3 inches long from crown to rump, about the size of a peach. Peachy keen, indeed, little jellybean!

We met Dr. P. yesterday for our first appointment, and we both feel that you're in very good hands. He answered all our questions and provided us with tons of information. AND... a prescription for diclectin.

I took the first pill yesterday around 6pm. It made me super drowsy - I could barely keep my eyes open - but sure enough, this morning the nausea is much, much better. Strangely, though, this morning I gagged on my pills (the small ones - not even the prenatal vitamin!) and vomited for the first time since becoming pregnant. Huh. I'm chalking it up to a fluke. But I feel great this morning, and I don't have an icky taste in my mouth. I haven't taken another this morning because I was worried about being so drowsy at work, but I have them with me, so we'll see how it goes.

~*~

Moe, you'll eventually meet Solly. He's my pharmacist, and he has been filling all my prescriptions for years and years. Although we've never talked about infertility, he knows as much of my story as you can by filling prescriptions for fertility medication. And he knows how long we've been waiting for you. Solly is a man of few words - he's a tall, deep-voiced East Indian man, and I figure he's likely in his 50s now.

I handed him the prescription for diclectin, and he read it over and nodded at me.

"Congratulations," he said, nodding.

"Thank you... I've been waiting a long time to give you a prescription like this," I smiled.

He nodded some more. "I've been waiting a long time to fill one like this for you." And he turned away and went to work on it.

~*~

At the doctor's appointment yesterday, they took my blood pressure and my measurements and were pleased with both. I did a bunch of blood work, and I go back next week for the IPS ultrasound. In the meantime, we got to hear your heart beating. It was amazing.

One thing your Daddy noticed was that the sounds made on that dopplar machine are very similar to the sounds the aliens made on the baby monitor in the movie Signs. Minus the eerie clicking. Crazy.

So we have the ultrasound on Sept 8, and then another one in early October. Your Daddy will be there for that one, for sure. We're really looking forward to seeing you! And hopefully, you'll let us know if you are a boy or a girl. :)

Dear Moe (Week 12)

Twelve weeks! You are entering your second trimester, little bean, and you're getting bigger. You're about 2 inches long - from the tip of your little head to your bum - and my uterus is starting to pooch out a little.

And we have our first appointment with Dr. P. on September 1 (after which we'll do a bunch of blood work), and an ultrasound on September 8. I'm excited for that - I'd like to see you again, and hear your little heart beating nice and strong.

We're going to throw a party in honour of all the friends and family who have been so supportive of us in our journey to get this far. It will be on Saturday, October 17. Hopefully you'll be able to feel all the love around you - we're even expecting some guests from out of town who would like to come and celebrate with us.

As our confidence increases, so does our willingness to plan for the future. I'm doing a lot of reading about the birth process, giving some thought as to how we would like things to go (with the understanding that nothing in this process has gone according to plan, and why should it begin now), we're going to look into pre-natal classes, and we're taking stock of what people are giving us and what we need to get for you. It was very surreal to start a registry for you, Moe. It felt like I might be jinxing things, but I think you are a strong little bean with the resilience of your parents.

And I have to be resilient, because I've been feeling like crap lately. I think the nausea has gotten worse, along with the dry mouth. Granny bought us a box of popsicles on the weekend, and we're pretty much all the way through them. (She offered when she saw me sucking on an ice cube.) And I'm a little concerned about how much sugar I'm eating. I find that juice and Sprite and ginger ale settle my stomach and take care of the bad taste in my mouth, but that's getting to be a lot of sugar. So I'm trying to be a bit more aware of that. Also, I'm pretty sure I'm lacking some protein right now - I can't face eggs or meat. So I've been eating nuts out of desperation. (Although apparently, this could increase your chances of childhood asthma. Good grief, Moe. Is there anything I can eat?) When I finally meet with Dr. P., I'm going to ask him about diclectin.

But, having said all this, even if the nausea goes (please no) for six more months, it's worth it for you, Moe. Keep growing, keep soaking up our love.

The Big Bloat

I find it truly amazing that although I am barely showing at all, and I've only gained between 2 and 5 lbs (depending on time of day, and at least 2 lbs have gone straight to my boobs) since conceiving... I am so bloated that I look like I've swallowed a small beach ball.

Seriously.

*shakes head* Mind boggling.

Good News

Appointment with OB-GYN scheduled for September 1. In the meantime, the receptionist is going to see what she can do about getting me going on IPS screening in the next week. The rather narrow window for IPS is open now.

Dear Moe (Week 11)

How's it going, little bean? Apparently, you're moving all over the place - doing water ballet! - and you have all your parts. Nice work! Your next task will be to grow, grow, grow! We even occasionally cheer you on, saying, "Grow, Moe, grow!"

I wanted to tell you an interesting story. When we were visiting your aunt in Toronto at the tail end of our vacation, we shared our news with your uncle's sister, Paula. She gasped, and said, "My mother had a dream." It turns out that only a few weeks before, Bella had told her that she dreamed I was pregnant, and that it was a girl. Paula's response to her mother was, "From your lips to God's ears."

We should be getting a phone call from Dr. Pascali's office sometime this week to book an appointment to go in and get all checked out. If we haven't heard from them by Monday, we'll call and inquire. We have heard only nice things about Dr. P., and the internet is full of positive comments about his care. We feel that we're in good hands - we just need to get to see him!

We're starting to think about all the things we need to do to get ready for you. For one thing, we will need to get your room ready. I'm going to enlist some helpers to paint it for me (likely a nice yellow). I'm also going to bring some old Winnie the Pooh calendar prints to Costco and get them laminated. We have to clean out the office room in order to put the day bed down there, and then we can move the trundle bed from your room into the red room. It's like Tetris, but with furniture. We're also thinking about the various things we'll need to buy for you, and I've started saving up for them. Car seats come to mind, for sure.

You're slowly becoming more and more real to me. I'll be really happy to see you again in an ultrasound - we'd like to do IPS screening, which should be done pretty soon.

In the meantime, I'm reassured by the fact that my lower abdomen is getting kind of puffy, I'm still really tired (although your Daddy says I've always been this sleepy, this is just a good excuse), and the nausea is still very much a factor. Since all these things mean that you are still growing, I'm a happy camper.

Dear Moe (Week 10)

Ten weeks! That's quite a milestone, little bean. I'm super proud of you. You apparently have finger nails (which I find insane), you can swallow, and you are starting to move around. I can't feel anything, though - you're only the size of a prune. But in the next few weeks, you'll double in size.

The last couple of days haven't been a whole lot of fun for me - my stomach has been so upset; I'm stunned that you've been able to get any nutrients, as my food seems to pass through me so quickly. But today feels a bit better - yesterday, your Daddy made me some Japanese rice, and that usually calms my stomach. My biggest problem is always having dinner. Around 4pm, my nausea really gets the better of me, and there's nothing I want to eat. We're hoping that I'll be hungry tonight for the picnic.

If you're wondering about "Moe" and where that came from, your Daddy chose that nickname. It's short for "moyashi," which is a Japanese bean sprout. So until we have some idea of whether you are a girl sprout or a boy sprout, you'll be known as "Moe".

Our OB-GYN question should be settled this week. We're hoping that your Grandma will be able to get us in to see Dr. P. sooner than originally planned - he wasn't taking anyone new until October, which just isn't going to work for us. If Grandma isn't able to do anything, we'll try Dr. L. Either way, Moe, you're going to be born at the Civic. There's just no question. Your Grandma knows everyone there, and both your parents were born there. Some of your grandparents were even born there. And your Grandma has worked there for more than 30 years.

Our friends and family are already helping us get ready for your arrival - and you're not even out of the first trimester yet! Your aunt is giving us a whack of stuff she's been saving - a high chair, a play pen, a jogging stroller. Other dear friends have promised us a crib. And while we were visiting in Mississauga, Laurie set me up which a bunch of gorgeous maternity tops. They will be ready for us when we need them. I plan to keep all this stuff at Granny's until the time is right.

So you may have guessed that as word of your existence has spread, we've started throwing caution to the wind. Everyone's just so excited. If hope and love have anything to do with it, Moe, you'll arrive safe and sound. We're keeping our fingers crossed.

Dear Lima Bean, Week 9

Hi, sweetie. You've got most of your body parts in place now, and your wrists, ankles, fingers and toes are formed. You're starting to really look like a baby, and you're the size of an olive (about .9 inches).

Tomorrow is likely the last day of the injections and pills, and I'm a little nervous about it. But I think you'll be just fine - stay nice and strong, and keep growing. I've been trying to eat a nice balance of foods for you.

The nausea hasn't been too bad while we've been on vacation - I think the fresh air really helped. (But the smoke from the firepit and from the fireworks didn't.) The key seems to be eating steadily, but never too much.

But you are worth any amount of nausea. Keep growing, and keep soaking up our love.

*sigh*

I just got the most... irritating email.

Friend writes to me:

"I'm really happy for you and I'm not surprised to tell you the truth. I always had faith it would happen. I know too many people who were discouraged and they have all had kids since."

I could just be hormonal and tired (ok, I AM hormonal and tired), but this feels to me like she's saying, "See? I told you it would all turn out ok - you just needed to have faith!"

No. Actually, what we needed was $12,000, a good drug plan, five years, a viable and willing donor, a chunk of counselling, great doctors, weight watchers, a gym membership, healthy eating, a strong support system and a crap load of luck.

This does NOT happen for everyone. It is NOT just a matter of "believing."

Yes, faith plays a role. But there is way more to it than that.

It feels like she's saying that everyone eventually gets pregnant if they just keep trying. And I find that really insulting.

How am I feeling? (Week 8)

I'm doing very well. :)

Getting used to the fatigue, and finding a good rhythm. Food is still a challenge, and I could probably do with eating more vegetables, but I'm taking in a good number of healthy calories. My sweet tooth has really all but disappeared, which is strange. I ate an ice cream sandwich last night and about 1/3 into it, I was sorry I'd started. I'm also avoiding chocolate right now, since it doesn't help the heartburn. (I've had a little so far, but this morning, it arrived with a vengeance.)

It will be interesting to see how I fare on vacation - my goal is to eat lots of fruit and veggies and not fall into a giant carb-fest.

Smells are a big issue right now - cooking smells are a huge turn off. (Which is strange, because normally, that just makes me hungry.) So I'm eating stuff that doesn't smell... which means it also doesn't have a whole lot of flavour.

I'm losing a lot of my muscle tone due to lack of exercise, and while that is frustrating, I know I can get a lot of it back after the first trimester is over.

I think people are a little confused as to why I'm being (asked to be) so cautious. As it turns out, I'm actually not all that high risk... but there are no "do-overs" with us. This is our one shot. So we're just not taking any chances. And, if something does go wrong (God forbid), we want to know we did absolutely everything we could.

The possibility of something going wrong is always there. It hangs over me like a black cloud. I'm afraid to get too hopeful or too happy in case the universe views it as cockiness. What's that expression about the gods not liking mortals to be too happy? But at the same time, I can't let myself be paralyzed by that possibility.

I'm planning on (quietly) telling my work that I'm pregnant once I get back from vacation. One person on our small team is leaving on mat leave in October - I'd like to give my boss as much of a head's up as possible that a second person could be leaving before the end of fiscal.

Dear Lima Bean, Week 8

Congratulations, you are officially a fetus! You're about the size of a raspberry (but I think we'll still refer to you as the lima bean), and your hands can bend at the wrist. You're losing the webbing on your feet, and you are growing eyelids. Your organs and muscles and nerves are all starting to function. You're starting to straighten out a little bit - which means you'll soon be losing that lima bean shape. All this at only 8 weeks - it seems hard to believe.

According to BabyCentre.ca, I should increase my intake of tap (or fluoridated) water to help your teeth and bones develop properly. As I tend to drink bottled water, I'll make more of an effort to go to the tap.

News of your conception is getting around quickly - and sometimes without our help at all! It's no secret how much we've been hoping for you, so I think people are extra happy to hear that you're on the way. Good news travels fast - and you are the best news.

We've had one person promise to write you a lullaby - we've asked for something in a mellow trumpet, befitting a groovy cool baby. Your Grandma is already chomping at the bit to buy you things. Your aunt is doubly excited because your existence means she can get a lot of stuff out of her basement - she's been saving stuff for you for years, little lima bean. Other generous friends have also kept stuff for you. Talk about keeping the faith.

you're gonna love this world
if it's the last thing i do
the whole extravagant joke
topped in bitter sweet chocolate goo
for someone who ain't even here yet
look how much the world loves you
-ani difranco

Keep growing strong. And if you can, reach out to the love that is all around you.

How am I feeling? (Week 7)

Still tired, nauseous and bloated. :)

We're to continue the injections and pills for another three weeks. I'll be happy to see the end of the injections - I've been having problems finding a good sleeping position lately because of the tender injection sites.

Bundy is working hard to find me things to eat. We went to Costco and got some tilapia yesterday - I'd like to eat a nice amount of fish, but I'm not a big fan of fish other than salmon, and yesterday the doctor recommended that we stay away from it. But I have been known to like tilapia. (Especially if it's breaded and fried.)

So far, I've been having really, really small meals - more like grazing, really. I'm trying to keep a nice balance of the four food groups, and since my sweet tooth has been reduced (but not eliminated, let's not be crazy), that's been going well. When I feel the need for a hot beverage, I drink peppermint tea. I'm a big fan of anything that will help my digestion - my metabolism has really slowed down.

The doctor gave me some nice clear guidelines for exercise for the first trimester. Walking twice a week, but only 2km at a time. I was using the Google Pedometer to figure out how far that is, and it's not far at all! So I think the plan is to do a quick 2km circuit after work while I wait for Bundy to pick me up.

Because the bus isn't my favourite mode of transport these days. I can smell everything, and the stop-and-start movement is horrific.

So we gave the doctor at the OFC the name of the OB-GYN we'd like to have, and he's arranging for the referral. We should hear something in about two weeks. I actually opted out of my first choice - she's amazing, but she's doing shared care right now, and my family doctor is not easy to reach. I decided I'd be more comfortable with seeing the same person the whole time. And of course, he works out of the Civic. That part is non-negotiable. ;)

Dear Baby, Week 7

Well, Baby, we've established a few things this week that have made us very happy. First, your heart is beating nice and strong. Second, you're growing in the right place. And third, you're on your own in there.

You're about the size of a lima bean. You have distinct, slightly webbed fingers and toes. And you're moving in fits and starts. Your liver is currently churning out large amounts of red blood cells until your bone marrow forms to take over this job.

And we saw you on an ultrasound screen yesterday - it was really amazing. We saw your tiny little head (which is just under 3 mm) and your little heart beat. Your heart beat was like a candle flame, flickering away. It was pretty phenomenal.

You're already an overachiever - you're about four days ahead of schedule in terms of average size and development. And your heart beat is going quickly at 140 bpm. This is a great number.

You're starting to become real to us now, and that's exciting. Within half an hour of seeing you on that screen and finding out that you are doing ok, your Daddy got very, very tired. He'd be really worried about you - and he was just so relieved that you are ok. We both are. I went home and crawled into bed to try and muster up some extra energy for you. Because you sure are using up a lot of my energy! But I'm happy to give it to you - it's what is going to make you nice and strong.

You are doing a great job growing, Baby. Keep up the great work - we're really proud of you.

One *is* a good number!

We have one small someone, and their heart is beating nice and strong. :)

How am I feeling? (Week 6)

Wow, am I ever bloated this week. I swear, I look about 6 months pregnant, not 6 weeks. I'm going to try and increase my fluid intake in an effort to reduce what I imagine is some water retention.

I'm really tired, I'm nauseous (you called it, April!), and I'm not sleeping well, but I'm on cloud nine.

I'm not sleeping well for a number of reasons. First, I normally get up once during the night to use the bathroom, but now it's at least twice. Also, I've been waking up really nauseous, and the only thing that helps is to go downstairs to have a little snack - usually a granola bar. I can't sleep on my back very long because my injection sites get sore. I don't want to sleep on my stomach, and I haven't learned to sleep well on my side. So, it's likely that Bundy isn't sleeping all that well, either. *grin* But I'll learn to sleep on my side eventually, and hopefully that will help.

The nausea isn't bad, it's just kind of... constant. I haven't hurled (*knocks on wood*), but if my stomach gets at all empty, I feel horrible. So I've been grazing all day long. And while the scale says I haven't gained any weight, my clothes (and the mirror) beg to differ. But again, I suspect the abdominal bloating has a lot to do with it.

My sense of smell would shame a bloodhound. I've always had a really sensitive nose, but lately even more so. This combined with the nausea makes for an interesting time. *grin* I can smell a cigarette from a mile away, and yesterday someone was eating a hot dog casserole for lunch and I could smell it halfway across the office. (Urgh.)

I'm hungry, but there isn't a lot of food that I want. Last night I had scrambled eggs on toast for dinner because it was the only thing I could think of that didn't turn my stomach. I predict that I may be having eggs on toast a lot for the next little while. On the bright side, hey, protein. I didn't even want an ice cream sandwich last night. Yes, you read that right.

I really miss exercise. I called the OFC earlier this week to ask again about my activity level, and couldn't really get a straight answer. "Don't do more than you feel you should." "You've worked so hard to get this far, you wouldn't want to do anything to put yourself at risk." "Walking is fine, but not too far." "You should really just be taking it easy, and enjoying it."

So I'm walking tonight, hopefully as far as Billings, but I won't shy away from stopping earlier to take a bus. I'm not sure what to do about my gym membership - I'm hoping to get some kind of guidance at my doctor's appointment on July 21. I may cancel it, and use the money to take a second weekly yoga course. I haven't been walking much lately, but that's mainly because of the weather.

Despite it all, I'm really happy and still in a state of disbelief. I've never been so overjoyed to feel like shit. :)

Dear Baby, Week 6

Apparently, by the end of this week, you'll be about the size of a small bean. Your eyes and nose are beginning to form. Your arms and legs look like protruding buds. Your hands and feet are shaped like paddles, and fingers are beginning to form. Your heart has divided into the right and left chambers and is beating about 150 times a minute -- roughly twice the rate of mine.

Next week's ultrasound can't come soon enough for me, Baby. I want to see you for myself, and I'd love some reassurance that you are healthy and growing well. I'm looking forward to also seeing if you're by yourself in there, or if you have a sibling. :)

Your Daddy and I have pretty much thrown caution to the winds, though, and are enjoying riding a wave of optimism. We feel surrounded with love and support - I don't think we could be this optimistic if we weren't so well supported. There are people we haven't even met who are firmly in our corner - and in your corner, too, Baby!

Keep growing, sweetheart. It may be hard work, but anything you work hard for is worth it in the end. Trust me on this one.

Speaking of my jeans...

DM from Kiddo to Bundy: Ugh. My jeans are too tight.

DM from Bundy to Kiddo: DON'T SQUEESH EET!

Dear Favourite Tight-Fitting Jeans...

It's been a lot of fun, but I think we're going to have to say goodbye to each other for a while. Five weeks of limited activity + two weeks of emotional eating + two weeks of increased appetite = really wishing I could walk around with you undone.

I wish I could blame our separation on the baby, but it's still the size of a tadpole.

How am I feeling? (Week 5)

I have all kinds of nice, reassuringly normal symptoms.

I'm really, really tired. And as of yesterday, I seem to be hungry all the time. I'm trying to make nice, healthy choices, for the most part.

I have had some occasional cramping, some implantation spotting (on two occasions, which makes me nervous about the whole twins thing), and a funny metallic taste in my mouth (I thought for days that sunscreen from my face was getting into my mouth or something). I had to increase my fibre intake considerably. But I've been very lucky - I've had no nausea.

So yeah, I'm exhausted. I could nap all the time. But I've never been so happy to be so tired.

Tonight's plan is to take some self-portraits. I've worked really, really hard to get thinner and fitter, and there isn't really a photographic record of that. So I'll take some photos, and use them as the "before" pictures in this journey. I'll likely take profile shots of the belly as time goes by. :)

July 21 can't get here soon enough. I'm trying to be cautious, but the way I'm starting to approach it is more along the lines that there's no reason that there should be a problem.

I ran into an old friend along Elgin Street yesterday - he was there with his wife and his 3 week old daughter. It was nice to speak to people about their experiences and not completely feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. And I was good. I kept my news to myself. :)