*sigh*

I just got the most... irritating email.

Friend writes to me:

"I'm really happy for you and I'm not surprised to tell you the truth. I always had faith it would happen. I know too many people who were discouraged and they have all had kids since."

I could just be hormonal and tired (ok, I AM hormonal and tired), but this feels to me like she's saying, "See? I told you it would all turn out ok - you just needed to have faith!"

No. Actually, what we needed was $12,000, a good drug plan, five years, a viable and willing donor, a chunk of counselling, great doctors, weight watchers, a gym membership, healthy eating, a strong support system and a crap load of luck.

This does NOT happen for everyone. It is NOT just a matter of "believing."

Yes, faith plays a role. But there is way more to it than that.

It feels like she's saying that everyone eventually gets pregnant if they just keep trying. And I find that really insulting.

How am I feeling? (Week 8)

I'm doing very well. :)

Getting used to the fatigue, and finding a good rhythm. Food is still a challenge, and I could probably do with eating more vegetables, but I'm taking in a good number of healthy calories. My sweet tooth has really all but disappeared, which is strange. I ate an ice cream sandwich last night and about 1/3 into it, I was sorry I'd started. I'm also avoiding chocolate right now, since it doesn't help the heartburn. (I've had a little so far, but this morning, it arrived with a vengeance.)

It will be interesting to see how I fare on vacation - my goal is to eat lots of fruit and veggies and not fall into a giant carb-fest.

Smells are a big issue right now - cooking smells are a huge turn off. (Which is strange, because normally, that just makes me hungry.) So I'm eating stuff that doesn't smell... which means it also doesn't have a whole lot of flavour.

I'm losing a lot of my muscle tone due to lack of exercise, and while that is frustrating, I know I can get a lot of it back after the first trimester is over.

I think people are a little confused as to why I'm being (asked to be) so cautious. As it turns out, I'm actually not all that high risk... but there are no "do-overs" with us. This is our one shot. So we're just not taking any chances. And, if something does go wrong (God forbid), we want to know we did absolutely everything we could.

The possibility of something going wrong is always there. It hangs over me like a black cloud. I'm afraid to get too hopeful or too happy in case the universe views it as cockiness. What's that expression about the gods not liking mortals to be too happy? But at the same time, I can't let myself be paralyzed by that possibility.

I'm planning on (quietly) telling my work that I'm pregnant once I get back from vacation. One person on our small team is leaving on mat leave in October - I'd like to give my boss as much of a head's up as possible that a second person could be leaving before the end of fiscal.

Dear Lima Bean, Week 8

Congratulations, you are officially a fetus! You're about the size of a raspberry (but I think we'll still refer to you as the lima bean), and your hands can bend at the wrist. You're losing the webbing on your feet, and you are growing eyelids. Your organs and muscles and nerves are all starting to function. You're starting to straighten out a little bit - which means you'll soon be losing that lima bean shape. All this at only 8 weeks - it seems hard to believe.

According to BabyCentre.ca, I should increase my intake of tap (or fluoridated) water to help your teeth and bones develop properly. As I tend to drink bottled water, I'll make more of an effort to go to the tap.

News of your conception is getting around quickly - and sometimes without our help at all! It's no secret how much we've been hoping for you, so I think people are extra happy to hear that you're on the way. Good news travels fast - and you are the best news.

We've had one person promise to write you a lullaby - we've asked for something in a mellow trumpet, befitting a groovy cool baby. Your Grandma is already chomping at the bit to buy you things. Your aunt is doubly excited because your existence means she can get a lot of stuff out of her basement - she's been saving stuff for you for years, little lima bean. Other generous friends have also kept stuff for you. Talk about keeping the faith.

you're gonna love this world
if it's the last thing i do
the whole extravagant joke
topped in bitter sweet chocolate goo
for someone who ain't even here yet
look how much the world loves you
-ani difranco

Keep growing strong. And if you can, reach out to the love that is all around you.

How am I feeling? (Week 7)

Still tired, nauseous and bloated. :)

We're to continue the injections and pills for another three weeks. I'll be happy to see the end of the injections - I've been having problems finding a good sleeping position lately because of the tender injection sites.

Bundy is working hard to find me things to eat. We went to Costco and got some tilapia yesterday - I'd like to eat a nice amount of fish, but I'm not a big fan of fish other than salmon, and yesterday the doctor recommended that we stay away from it. But I have been known to like tilapia. (Especially if it's breaded and fried.)

So far, I've been having really, really small meals - more like grazing, really. I'm trying to keep a nice balance of the four food groups, and since my sweet tooth has been reduced (but not eliminated, let's not be crazy), that's been going well. When I feel the need for a hot beverage, I drink peppermint tea. I'm a big fan of anything that will help my digestion - my metabolism has really slowed down.

The doctor gave me some nice clear guidelines for exercise for the first trimester. Walking twice a week, but only 2km at a time. I was using the Google Pedometer to figure out how far that is, and it's not far at all! So I think the plan is to do a quick 2km circuit after work while I wait for Bundy to pick me up.

Because the bus isn't my favourite mode of transport these days. I can smell everything, and the stop-and-start movement is horrific.

So we gave the doctor at the OFC the name of the OB-GYN we'd like to have, and he's arranging for the referral. We should hear something in about two weeks. I actually opted out of my first choice - she's amazing, but she's doing shared care right now, and my family doctor is not easy to reach. I decided I'd be more comfortable with seeing the same person the whole time. And of course, he works out of the Civic. That part is non-negotiable. ;)

Dear Baby, Week 7

Well, Baby, we've established a few things this week that have made us very happy. First, your heart is beating nice and strong. Second, you're growing in the right place. And third, you're on your own in there.

You're about the size of a lima bean. You have distinct, slightly webbed fingers and toes. And you're moving in fits and starts. Your liver is currently churning out large amounts of red blood cells until your bone marrow forms to take over this job.

And we saw you on an ultrasound screen yesterday - it was really amazing. We saw your tiny little head (which is just under 3 mm) and your little heart beat. Your heart beat was like a candle flame, flickering away. It was pretty phenomenal.

You're already an overachiever - you're about four days ahead of schedule in terms of average size and development. And your heart beat is going quickly at 140 bpm. This is a great number.

You're starting to become real to us now, and that's exciting. Within half an hour of seeing you on that screen and finding out that you are doing ok, your Daddy got very, very tired. He'd be really worried about you - and he was just so relieved that you are ok. We both are. I went home and crawled into bed to try and muster up some extra energy for you. Because you sure are using up a lot of my energy! But I'm happy to give it to you - it's what is going to make you nice and strong.

You are doing a great job growing, Baby. Keep up the great work - we're really proud of you.

One *is* a good number!

We have one small someone, and their heart is beating nice and strong. :)

How am I feeling? (Week 6)

Wow, am I ever bloated this week. I swear, I look about 6 months pregnant, not 6 weeks. I'm going to try and increase my fluid intake in an effort to reduce what I imagine is some water retention.

I'm really tired, I'm nauseous (you called it, April!), and I'm not sleeping well, but I'm on cloud nine.

I'm not sleeping well for a number of reasons. First, I normally get up once during the night to use the bathroom, but now it's at least twice. Also, I've been waking up really nauseous, and the only thing that helps is to go downstairs to have a little snack - usually a granola bar. I can't sleep on my back very long because my injection sites get sore. I don't want to sleep on my stomach, and I haven't learned to sleep well on my side. So, it's likely that Bundy isn't sleeping all that well, either. *grin* But I'll learn to sleep on my side eventually, and hopefully that will help.

The nausea isn't bad, it's just kind of... constant. I haven't hurled (*knocks on wood*), but if my stomach gets at all empty, I feel horrible. So I've been grazing all day long. And while the scale says I haven't gained any weight, my clothes (and the mirror) beg to differ. But again, I suspect the abdominal bloating has a lot to do with it.

My sense of smell would shame a bloodhound. I've always had a really sensitive nose, but lately even more so. This combined with the nausea makes for an interesting time. *grin* I can smell a cigarette from a mile away, and yesterday someone was eating a hot dog casserole for lunch and I could smell it halfway across the office. (Urgh.)

I'm hungry, but there isn't a lot of food that I want. Last night I had scrambled eggs on toast for dinner because it was the only thing I could think of that didn't turn my stomach. I predict that I may be having eggs on toast a lot for the next little while. On the bright side, hey, protein. I didn't even want an ice cream sandwich last night. Yes, you read that right.

I really miss exercise. I called the OFC earlier this week to ask again about my activity level, and couldn't really get a straight answer. "Don't do more than you feel you should." "You've worked so hard to get this far, you wouldn't want to do anything to put yourself at risk." "Walking is fine, but not too far." "You should really just be taking it easy, and enjoying it."

So I'm walking tonight, hopefully as far as Billings, but I won't shy away from stopping earlier to take a bus. I'm not sure what to do about my gym membership - I'm hoping to get some kind of guidance at my doctor's appointment on July 21. I may cancel it, and use the money to take a second weekly yoga course. I haven't been walking much lately, but that's mainly because of the weather.

Despite it all, I'm really happy and still in a state of disbelief. I've never been so overjoyed to feel like shit. :)

Dear Baby, Week 6

Apparently, by the end of this week, you'll be about the size of a small bean. Your eyes and nose are beginning to form. Your arms and legs look like protruding buds. Your hands and feet are shaped like paddles, and fingers are beginning to form. Your heart has divided into the right and left chambers and is beating about 150 times a minute -- roughly twice the rate of mine.

Next week's ultrasound can't come soon enough for me, Baby. I want to see you for myself, and I'd love some reassurance that you are healthy and growing well. I'm looking forward to also seeing if you're by yourself in there, or if you have a sibling. :)

Your Daddy and I have pretty much thrown caution to the winds, though, and are enjoying riding a wave of optimism. We feel surrounded with love and support - I don't think we could be this optimistic if we weren't so well supported. There are people we haven't even met who are firmly in our corner - and in your corner, too, Baby!

Keep growing, sweetheart. It may be hard work, but anything you work hard for is worth it in the end. Trust me on this one.

Speaking of my jeans...

DM from Kiddo to Bundy: Ugh. My jeans are too tight.

DM from Bundy to Kiddo: DON'T SQUEESH EET!

Dear Favourite Tight-Fitting Jeans...

It's been a lot of fun, but I think we're going to have to say goodbye to each other for a while. Five weeks of limited activity + two weeks of emotional eating + two weeks of increased appetite = really wishing I could walk around with you undone.

I wish I could blame our separation on the baby, but it's still the size of a tadpole.

How am I feeling? (Week 5)

I have all kinds of nice, reassuringly normal symptoms.

I'm really, really tired. And as of yesterday, I seem to be hungry all the time. I'm trying to make nice, healthy choices, for the most part.

I have had some occasional cramping, some implantation spotting (on two occasions, which makes me nervous about the whole twins thing), and a funny metallic taste in my mouth (I thought for days that sunscreen from my face was getting into my mouth or something). I had to increase my fibre intake considerably. But I've been very lucky - I've had no nausea.

So yeah, I'm exhausted. I could nap all the time. But I've never been so happy to be so tired.

Tonight's plan is to take some self-portraits. I've worked really, really hard to get thinner and fitter, and there isn't really a photographic record of that. So I'll take some photos, and use them as the "before" pictures in this journey. I'll likely take profile shots of the belly as time goes by. :)

July 21 can't get here soon enough. I'm trying to be cautious, but the way I'm starting to approach it is more along the lines that there's no reason that there should be a problem.

I ran into an old friend along Elgin Street yesterday - he was there with his wife and his 3 week old daughter. It was nice to speak to people about their experiences and not completely feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. And I was good. I kept my news to myself. :)

Dear Baby, Week 5

I'm not quite clear why they consider this week 5, when you were technically only conceived three weeks ago, but anything that brings me closer to week 12 is fine in my book.

Apparently, you're in the middle of your very first growth spurt. You look like a tadpole, but you are sprouting tiny buds that will eventually become your limbs. Your vital organs are in place and growing.

I marvel at this, as you really haven't become real to me yet. It seems like you are still this imaginary being out there in the ether. We've been trying for so long to create a vessel for you, it seems crazy to think there actually is one. But there is. And you're amazing.

Your Daddy and I found out you were coming a few days ago, and we've both been staring at each other in delighted awe ever since. My first words when I found out were "SHUT UP!", which I admit don't seem great for posterity, but I just couldn't believe it. We'd both convinced ourselves that you wouldn't be coming at all - we were so afraid of the disappointment.

Your Daddy did what your Daddy does, and pulled a movie quote out of his butt. He exclaimed, in the Brownie voice from Willow, "We have a baby! We stole it from OWD while she was taking a peepee!"

And Baby, people are just so happy to hear that you're coming. Your Grandma cried, your Granny jumped up and down. Your Grandpa Will was driving, and had to pull the car over. And your Pépère Leo just laughed in delight. And we have this wonderful circle of friends who love us who have been wishing and praying and hoping that you would come along. I think it's safe to say, Baby, that not many babies could possibly be more wanted and more hoped for than you.

I can barely believe it, but I love you already. But then, I've loved you for years.

Finally Here

We are at a place we never thought we'd get to: the starting gate.

I'm pregnant.

Our next step is an ultrasound on July 21 to confirm that the pregnancy is viable, and also to let us know if we're pregnant with one baby or two.

Thank you all so much for your good vibes and crossed fingers. Please keep everything crossed for a few more months. :)

Over the Moon

We got some amazing news yesterday - I'm pregnant. I had pretty much convinced myself that I wasn't, and was steeling myself for that news. Everyone at the OFC is delighted - Denise and Dr. G. were laughing and hugging.

I'm a little terrified to be happy. It doesn't seem real. It's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Next step is a week 6 ultrasound, which will also check for fetal heart rate. So that's the next hurdle. I think that may also determine exactly how many babies we're looking at. *grin*

It felt wonderful to go to Chapters yesterday and buy a book of pregnancy dos and don'ts. I felt like screaming the news from the rooftops. But at the same time, it's been really nice to have a secret just between me and Bundy. We are the only ones who know right now, and that feels pretty special.

One More Sleep

The wait has been slightly more difficult ever since I figured out that I haven't actually taken any drugs that could result in a false positive on a pregnancy test. OWD has (note to OWD - don't do a pregnancy test, it'll be a false positive), but I have not. So I could actually do one.

Why won't I?

Well, for one thing, we have a plan that will allow us to find out the news together, at a specific time and place, and delivered to us by someone who can support us if needed.

Also, I'm a little bit terrified.

But whatever happens, I won't regret the last two weeks. It has been wonderful to think that I really could be pregnant. I've never been so happy to give up things I enjoy - like caffeine, alcohol and aspartame. It has been just amazing to think of what could be happening to my body. And even if I'm not pregnant, no one can take away these past two weeks. They've been a treasure.

Also, it's been great to lie in the sun with my eyes closed, and picture myself soaking up all the good wishes and love and happy vibes that people have been sending our way. So if you've been sending them, I've been receiving them.

But yeah. Terrified.