Dear Moe (21 Weeks)

Hey, little guy. This week you got your very first dose of medicine - I was vaccinated against the H1N1 virus. So, yeah, I took a needle in the arm for you. Your daddy wishes I could do the same for him. *grin*

From the top of your head to the tip of your toes, you're about 10.5 inches long. You even apparently have eyebrows. And you're still kicking up a storm. You tend to be most active in the afternoon - from about 2pm to 8pm. And apparently, you are eavesdropping on my conversations! I did some voice work in a studio in Val des Monts yesterday - did you hear me saying the same things over and over again? One pregnancy website says that I could even read you stories now, and that some studies have shown that "newborns will suck more vigorously when read to from a book they heard frequently in utero." Shall I pick out a book tonight and give it a shot?

Moe, I'm slowly warming up to the idea of having a baby shower. I'm not 100% sold on it, but it isn't entirely outside the realm of possibility anymore. I've been quite reluctant because for so many years, baby showers were really painful events for me. And that was because I didn't know if you'd ever get here. But now that you are here, I kind of feel like you deserve a shower, even though some of the associations aren't great for me and I'm not keen on some of the traditions. So I think we'll play it by ear. I certainly don't want anything traditional, and I'd want to call the shots. We'll see. I'm going to talk to Aunt Marsha about it.

In the meantime, Moe, keep growing nice and strong, and keep kicking me! I'm not without hope that your Daddy will be able to feel you kicking soon - although lately every time I put his hand on my belly, you stop. We'd like to think it's because he's so soothing. ;)

Thoughts on Baby Showers

So I asked myself - and two very trusted friends, "If I threw myself a baby shower at the end of January when Marsha's here, and invited people to an evening at a bar (like Local Heroes) where I provided a whack of appetizers but they paid for their own drinks, do you think our friends (male AND female) would attend, bring gifts AND feel comfortable?"

And there was some resistance. The argument was made that by hosting my own shower, I'm robbing my friends of the opportunity to have fun planning it. And that really, people don't host their own shower. I'm pretty sure my mom will feel that way.

So I tried to explain why I would rather do it this way.

I want to be in control. NOTHING in this process has been in my control, nothing has gone the way we initially wanted. Not when I got pregnant or how I got pregnant. It took me a year to get over the fact that if we proceeded, my baby wouldn't have my genetic material. I recognize that in life, things very rarely go according to plan. Certainly, once my son is born, everything will cease going according to plan. But this whole process of starting a family has been so NOT according to plan and at times so very much out of my control that it's actually scarred me for life and has even made me weep with frustration and grief.

I want this part to be entirely in my control. I want to be comfortable at my own shower. And the only way that is going to happen is if I run the show, and I'm the host.

I appreciate that my wonderful friends would want to throw me a shower - I've had lots of offers, and I am touched by each one. But they are such emotional minefields for me that I really see this as the only way I'd get through a shower without sobbing in a bathroom.

So, that's kind of how I feel about the whole thing. We'll see.

Snoogle

Ok, so I bought the Snoogle body pillow. I admit, when Jaimie first suggested it, I was reluctant, mainly because the product name was "Snoogle".

But a week of really poor sleep convinced me to overlook the stupid name and cough up the $100 to buy the pillow and a replacement pillow cover. (I needed something easily washable due to the cat.)

HOLY CRAP. What a difference. I bought the darn thing on Saturday afternoon, and I napped with it for two hours after I got home. I slept better in those two hours than I had all week long.

Long live the Snoogle. Despite its ridiculous name. Worth every penny.

Friends for Life?

The weirdest thing happened yesterday.

I got home from work and lay down on the bed for 20 minutes. The cat crawled up next to me and snuggled into my belly. He was purring really loudly and I could feel his heart beating against my belly. Moe suddenly started kicking, as though in response. This continued for about 5 minutes - kicking and purring - until Boo got up and wandered off. As soon as he was no longer pressed against me, Moe stopped kicking.

Dear Moe (20 weeks)

Hey, there, little dude. You are kicking up a storm. (You tend to kick most right after I eat.) It's still a little too early for your Daddy to feel it with his hand, but it won't be long now before he can. You're about the size of a canteloupe, and you're covered in vernix, which will keep your skin from getting all bathtub-pruney.

Did you feel the party vibe on Saturday? We had a house full of your biggest supporters, and it was wonderful to look around the room and see all these faces that I love. We even had visitors from out of town - and one came all the way from Montreal just to celebrate with us.

Reaction to your name has been overwhelmingly positive - or it could be that we just have polite friends. ;) Either way, word is getting around. Your Aunt Reiko was tickled when she heard it.

Along with a great number of goodies from people who love you, you also received your first anonymous gift this week. I'm not entirely sure why the giver wanted to remain anonymous, but they dropped your gift off in our mailbox. It contained a lovely card that expresses my sentiments about you perfectly, and a lovely little newborn onesie that says, "The world is a better place with me here." How true that will be!

Some of the hand-me-downs that have come our way for you kind of blow my mind. We got a bag full of tiny little socks! I marvel that your feet will be that tiny - but also that big. I think I just marvel at your existence in general.

I've been pretty lax about taking pictures of my belly, but I finally got around to it this week. Here I am, with you, at 19 weeks and 5 days:

I love you like crazy; keep growing, and keep on kicking - it's the best part of my day!

Dear Moe (19 Weeks)

Hi, Moe! You are getting bigger and bigger every day. Right now, you're about the size of a mango - about six inches from your head to your bum. Next week, apparently, you'll be as big as a cantaloupe! We're about half way there, if you can believe it. Your senses are developing like nobody's business - the nerve cells that have to do with how you will taste, smell, hear, see and touch are developing in your brain.

I can feel you moving often now, and it's wonderful. I also marvel that you might even be able to hear the sound of my voice.

And we know that you're a little boy, and we've decided on your name. (I won't post it here on a blog, but if people ask, I'll tell them by email.) It's a good Scottish name, and it runs in my family. You'll have two middle names - Granny is going to help us choose a Japanese name for you, and you'll have my last name as your second middle name. And of course, your last name will be your Dad's last name.

I'm ready to start on your room now. I'd like things pretty much settled in there by Christmas. My first step will be cutting up some lovely old calendars and bringing them to Costco to be dry-mounted. We're also going to move the day bed that is in your room into the other spare room - that will free up some space for your crib, which we'll coordinate soon. We'll go buy your change table soon - we've picked it out from Ikea already. :)

So don't worry about a thing, Moe - just keep growing and developing. We'll have everything ready for you when you're ready to join us. :)

Ultrasound results...

Contrary to most guesses, hunches and dreams, Moe is... a boy! Bundy is overjoyed, and while I confess to a slight initial twinge of disappointment (I was SO sure it was a girl), I'm warming up to the idea very, very quickly. *grin*

Mostly, though, we're just so pleased that he's the correct size for this stage, he has all his important parts and they are all in the right place, and everything looks normal and great.

One wonderful thing about having a boy is that we only really had one front runner name in mind - whereas we had a couple in mind for a girl. So we know what this little guy's name is going to be, but we're going to keep calling him Moe for a while because we just like that nickname so much. *grin*

So, we'll apparently start piping the Star Wars trilogy directly into the uterus tomorrow night.

Dear Moe: A note on self-defense

So I was thinking today about all the wonderful aspects of being a mom to a boy. (If the ultrasound had gone the other way, I'd be thinking about all the wonderful aspects of being a mom to a girl.)

And of course I thought about how I'll eventually ask Uncle Ted to teach you how to defend yourself. And how someday we may enroll you in a martial arts class - not just for self-defense, but for the self-discipline that comes with that. Which of course got me thinking about fighting.

So here's the deal.

Don't EVER be the person who throws the first punch - even if someone says something about your mother. But, if someone else starts a fight, I sure want you to be able to finish it.

Having said that, just because someone throws a punch doesn't mean you have to reciprocate. It's about making choices. No matter what the situation, if you throw a punch at someone, there are going to be consequences. If you're in school, you could be suspended. If you're older, there could be a police report and charges laid. At the very least, the person could have a really big friend bent on revenge. There is no participation in a fight that doesn't come with some kind of consequence. Some of those consequences are more obvious than others.

You need to decide - and quickly, often in the split seconds as that fist comes toward your jaw - if your participation is worth the consequence. There will definitely be times that it just isn't worth it. But sometimes it may very well be. Consider why you are fighting, consider what you are fighting for.

It's the decisions that you make in determining whether or not it's worth it that then determine your character.

You may not always make the right decision. But be sure to learn from every decision you make.

Dear Moe (18 weeks)

Even though I still think of you as my little bean, you're actually about the size of a sweet potato. And we're getting to the halfway mark! You're about 6 inches long, and are apparently moving all over the place.

I've felt you move a few times now, and let me tell you, it doesn't get old. I admit, it's a little surreal, but very cool. Yesterday, it was while I was sitting in a meeting and I don't think anyone noticed my face, but I'm sure I looked startled.

My belly is certainly growing now. In fact, I really must start taking some belly photos. I'll try and do that over the weekend. I've gained about 12 lbs or so, which seems to be pretty normal.

Just one more day until we get to see you. I'm so excited - we want to make sure you are healthy and growing well, and we'd love to know if you are a boy or a girl. (Although your Daddy says that if we're told you're a girl, he may keep referring to you as Moe just in case the ultrasound is wrong.)

Your Daddy is still bringing home lots of books for you. He surprised me the other day with all of the Sandra Boynton board books we don't already have. I'm really excited about reading to you, Moe - I want your life to be full of books. At the very least, your house will be! Your Daddy also brought home some of the Mr. Man and Little Miss books.

I've decided on the colour of paint for your bookcase; I just need to hit Home Depot to pick up a can and drop it off at your Aunt JFlo's place. She's currently quarantining herself from us because she may have been exposed to the chicken pox. People are being very careful and considerate of you, Moe - it will be wonderful when you get to meet all the people out here who love you already.

And a lot of them are going to be coming to our house next weekend. (Which is why I'll be cleaning the house like a madwoman THIS weekend.) We've invited people to come and celebrate your existence, but the main purpose of the party is to thank them for their awesome support over the last five years. You've had a lot of people rooting for you for a long time, sweetie - I think it will take just as long (if not longer) for you to understand how much love there is around you, and how wonderful that is. Your Daddy and I are going to make mistakes - I can promise you that. But you'll never want for love.

Dear Moe (17 Weeks)

Hi, Moe. The coolest thing happened last night. I was lying in bed (I've been doing that a lot lately, as I've been pretty sick with a bad cold) and suddenly, I felt you moving. Probably not a big deal for you, since you've been moving for a while, but it was a great big deal for me. I felt you kick me. It was pretty freaking cool. Keep up the great work, and keep letting me know you're there and ok.

This cold has been a real doozy because normally, I'd take some DayQuil or some NyQuil and that would help with the symptoms, but I don't want to take anything that might hurt you. So it's been Halls and Vicks for now. But I think I'm on the mend - the congestion in my chest is breaking up, and I'm not feeling quite as dead to the world as I was before. Also, swallowing doesn't hurt so much that I want to cry. But your Daddy now has a sore throat, and I think it's going to get worse before it gets better.

My coworkers surprised me today and gave me a lovely card with a gift card for Thyme Maternity! This is good news because I really only have two pairs of pants I can wear right now. But all that will change on Tuesday when I pick up my maternity jeans and dress pants from the tailor's - I needed them hemmed. (Don't expect to learn any sewing skills from me, Moe. You'll have to go to Granny for that.)

Can't wait to see you on Thursday of next week, Moe-Moe. I'll make you a deal - I'll drink tea with sugar if you can do your best to not be shy. :)