Hangin' in there

So I'm doing my best to hang in. I'm at one of those points where it's hard to know which journal to post in -- some days everything seems related to kidsquared.

Things at work are going ok, for the most part. I've been working hard for several months on an event that takes place May 3 and May 5 - when that's done, there will be a great deal of wrap-up work for the project which will keep me busy, along with the height of our tour and school program season. Later this summer I'll be diving into some program development, to which I'm looking forward.

Most people at work right now are really excited about a travelling exhibition on which some of our team has been working. It's going to festivals and events across Canada this summer, and we were all supposed to take turns going to different cities to run the exhibition. It's pretty exciting, and a great opportunity.

But I had to 'fess up that I was undergoing some medical treatment this summer which would mean sudden appointments without much warning... and I've been taken off the file. No travel for me - and I was going to go to several places, including Halifax (where I'd be able to visit my Dad). So although I was a bit bummed about that, I was ok with it because I understood why. But lately the whole team is talking about where they are going, and what it will be like - and it's hard not to feel left out.

And my partner-in-crime at work is pregnant. I've known for a long time (we work closely together and she didn't want me to think she was terminally ill), but she recently announced it to the group (she's in her second trimester now and was having a hard time hiding it). I'm very happy for her, and she's very sensitive about the whole thing (she knows the basics of my story - I wanted her to know, as she signs my leave forms). But some days are harder than others. It isn't anybody's fault, that's just the way it is.

The side effects of the Provera have been more or less endurable, but it isn't easy to cope with an emotional process like this when your emotions keep getting the better of you. I can cope with Provera, and I can cope with infertility... but both at the same time has been challenging. But I continue to be the bravest little toaster I can be, and I've only cried in front of a total stranger once. *rolls eyes* Other Provera side effects have been mainly physical - a lot of abdominal pain and cramping.

I had my Lupron shot yesterday (in my butt, thank you very much) - and it has its own side effects. Last night I was kind of dizzy and nauseous, and today I'm feeling really low energy and fairly down. I've had a bit of a headache all day.

The low energy could be because the appointment yesterday took a lot out of me. I had no idea what to expect, and was very frustrated that I wasn't told in advance that I'd need to buy $600.00 worth of drugs at the appointment. The Lupron shot alone was more than $300.00. I felt really in the dark, and that frustration eventually came out as tears while waiting for the nurse in the consultation room. She came in, saw the state I was in, and took good care of me. I explained my frustrations (that I can't ask questions when the clinic calls because I work in a cubicle, that when clinic staff talk to me they assume I've been through this before but I haven't, that I had no idea what the hell what going on, that I was on Day 8 of 10 of Provera). She consoled, apologized, explained, and problem solved. (The staff *are* really fabulous there.) But I did feel like a total wiener because I essentially cried and got what I wanted... (but at least I didn't cry in order to get what I wanted, because that's totally not how I was raised).

So tonight I'm taking it really easy - we'll find something for dinner, and I'll likely crawl into bed with a book or TV or a Bundy or a Boo or all four.

I'll hit the gym tomorrow.