Good News

So the original plan was for the OFC to put me on a couple of months of HRT (hormone replacement therapy) to build up a healthy uterine lining. The assumption was that I wouldn't have a good lining due to my lack of estrogen. Once that was built up, we'd do the mock, and then proceed if the results from that were good.

I got a call from my doctor, and he's looked at my recent ultrasound results. Apparently, my uterine lining rocks - it's a good thickness. It likely got this way from the estrogen stored in my fat cells.

So this is good motivation to continue eating healthy and exercising and doing the acupuncture. I'm doing something right.

This means we can go pretty much right into the mock. :)

March 17, 2009

Good appointment with Dr. G. We determined that my current emotions are normal, to be expected, and really honking hard to deal with.

And she reminded me that whatever happens, she’s with me every step of the way. So in a few months, we’ll all be together in that office... whether we are all crying together and eating donuts or celebrating and determining next steps while eating donuts. Either way, apparently, there will be donuts.

Which is good. Because by the time we’re done, I’m totally going to deserve a donut.

And she told me that I am indeed a very brave little toaster and that there is absolutely nothing more I could be doing to prepare myself for this. And to be really good to myself – to continue with exercise, yoga, acupuncture and to start regular massage therapy. It’s important that my body not feel stressed.

And to call the OFC later this week and follow up on why no one’s called me for another appointment.

Courage Means Asking for Help

And since I could use a little bit of extra courage right now, I'm making an appointment to chat with Dr. G. about stuff. Brain and heart are very full right now. Hope can be a terrifying thing.

And I have an acupuncture a-pointy-mint tomorrow after work. I'm hoping it will also help me with my emotional state - I'm feeling pretty up-and-down lately.

Time Frame and Next Steps

Just to keep you updated...

We (me and OWD) are waiting for the OFC to call us to schedule a time to go in and learn how to inject our various drugs. I can't inject my own this time, so it looks like my mom will be helping me.

Before OWD takes any drugs, though, the doctor wants me to have a "mock" - a trial run with the drugs that will help prepare my uterine lining for the transfer. This makes sense - there's no sense in going through everything to discover that I don't respond to this crucial part of the treatment. So they'll contact me about starting that, too.

In the meantime, I need to fill my folic acid prescription and start taking it. The normal daily dosage is 1 mg, but I'll be taking 5 mg (hence the prescription). I'm also going back to the acupuncture clinic, since that seemed to help me get regular periods, and anything that does that is good for my uterine lining. My next appointment is next Monday.

Between the teaching sessions, the trial run, drugs for OWD and drugs for me, and the whole timing of the cycles, we're looking at a summer transfer. July or August - June if we're really lucky.

My Day in Numbers

2 - number of hours spent in appointment at OFC today

7 - different consent forms signed
200 - dollars spent on consultation
500 - dollar deposit given

45% - expected success rate
10% - chance of cycle cancellation due to something going wrong
<1% - risk of bleeding to the donor during or after retrieval
<1/600 to <1/100 - chance of infection to the donor due to retrieval
10% - chance of mild ovarian hyperstimulation in donor
40% - chance of twins (assuming we implant 2 embryos, which is the plan)
2.3% - chance of triplets or greater
30% - chance of miscarriage
2% - chance of ectopic pregnancy (which will result in having to terminate)
x% - increased chance of birth defects, death rate, low birth weight, etc., where x is unknown

5 - daily dose (in mg) of folic acid prescribed for me
8 - weeks of getting a daily shot in my ass, assuming this cycle is successful
1500 - dollars added to cost, due to need to have egg implantation via ICSI

15 - approximate different emotions experienced by me during the consultation
4 - hugs/handshakes exchanged in the parking lot before parting ways

Unspoken Tolls

So today was hard, and I got angry. I sat in the bath and got really angry and cried. I was angry and resentful and mournful. And it was for a number of reasons.

I hate infertility. I hate this thing that seems to have so much control over my life and my emotions. I hate it, it makes me angry, and I resent it.

I resent that people I care about have to go through discomfort and pain for me. My husband - no matter how hard he tries to hide it - is killing himself with anxiety about blood work he has to do before we can move ahead with this procedure. He hasn't had blood work done since he was 16 years old, and it took 6 nurses to hold him down. He is pathologically afraid of needles, and he'll get this done for me (for us, for the chance for a child), but it's horrible for him. I know that although OWD is willing and knows what she is getting into, the egg retrieval process will not be a cake walk. It upsets me that a woman I love so much has to go through that for me. It would be so much easier if everything were being done to me.

So that's what is floating around on the surface.

But there's something else that has been going on for a long time that I haven't addressed in this blog. I haven't even spoken about it with Dr. G, now that I think about it. I've talked about it with one friend, and I couldn't even make it through the conversation without breaking down.

Infertility has changed the way I relate to some of my friends - particularly friends who became pregnant after I found out that I couldn't. I hate this. There are no words for how much I hate it. I miss these people, I love them, and it kills me that I can't talk to them the way I used to. It's my limitation, not theirs, and I am managing to somehow alienate people I love because of infertility and I hate it.

And what scares me is that more friends will eventually get pregnant. Does that mean I won't be able to relate to them? Am I going to gradually cease to be able to relate to most of my friends as they move on in their lives and start families? And what if this procedure works and I do get pregnant? Will I end up alienating the few friends I have who have chosen to be childless?

That's as much as I can say about this right now. But it's been there, for a long time, weighing on me. And I hate it.

March 2, 2009

Stuff like THIS is why I won't touch Perez Hilton's website with a 200 foot pole.

I'm going to stop reading divine.ca, too. It's shit like this that makes people think it's ok to ask questions like, "You have twins? Did you do IVF?"

I know that celebrities choose a life in the spotlight. I get that. But between the LAPD leaking a photo of a battered woman and this, I'm done.

March 2, 2009

three days of spotting + no actual period + cramping + two pregnancy confidences + one miscarriage confidence + upcoming appointment to sign consent forms + having to change said appointment at the last minute + panic that if we couldn't make the new appt time we'd be waiting until may = fairly fragile kiddo