February 16, 2009

From an email to my best friend, dated February 12:

I'm excited and scared at the same time. I'm scared it won't work. I'm scared it will.
What if I go through all this and it works and motherhood isn't everything I wanted? Am I allowed to complain about sleepless nights? Do I have to be relentlessly positive, or risk sounding ungrateful? My marriage is so very wonderful right now - what if this changes it, and not in a good way? And... what if this works and I'm just not a good mother?

It's funny, I feel better about it now, but a few days ago when we learned that we'd be moving forward, I had a moment of panic. (I suspect this is normal. I'll confirm this on Sunday at the IAAC meeting.)

I keep telling myself that I'm in an enviable position right now. If it works, I'll be really happy. If it doesn't, I'll be disappointed, but I still get to spend my life with my best friend, and wake up next to him, go on adventures with him, sleep in on weekends, do whatever the hell I want whenever the hell I want to do it, etc. I get to be gloriously selfish - and I don't think that's a bad thing.

I'm having moments where I'm clinging to that desire for selfishness. I suspect, although it isn't spoken about, that many women go through this when they are actually pregnant - it's part of the transition into motherhood. You have to mourn your old life before starting your new one. I'm just going through this now because most people don't have this much build up to potential conception.

These feelings are quite likely my brain's way of preparing me for disappointment. It's putting road blocks up around my heart. *pats brain* Good brain. You take such good care of us. My heart is really tired of disappointment, and my brain is well aware.