Day 1 -- False Alarm

Dear Acupuncturist,

What kind of crazy-ass voodoo did you work on me?

Kiddo xoxo

Edit -- false alarm. Random spotting. Nothing to see here, please move along now.

Lessons Learned

When someone tells you to drink 6 glasses of water in one hour, and then wait another hour before you can go pee... don't. For a pelvic ultrasound, 3 glasses of water will suffice quite nicely.

The ultrasound technician was appalled at the size of my poor bladder. When I was in the bathroom finally relieving myself, she greatly amused Bundy by using the images she took to determine exactly how much was in my bladder. She estimated that there were 800 ccs of liquid (which is about 3.5 cups, or 0.8L). 200 ccs, apparently, would have sufficed.

I'm out of practice - I followed the instructions to the letter. I know better now.

Phew.

February 16, 2009

From an email to my best friend, dated February 12:

I'm excited and scared at the same time. I'm scared it won't work. I'm scared it will.
What if I go through all this and it works and motherhood isn't everything I wanted? Am I allowed to complain about sleepless nights? Do I have to be relentlessly positive, or risk sounding ungrateful? My marriage is so very wonderful right now - what if this changes it, and not in a good way? And... what if this works and I'm just not a good mother?

It's funny, I feel better about it now, but a few days ago when we learned that we'd be moving forward, I had a moment of panic. (I suspect this is normal. I'll confirm this on Sunday at the IAAC meeting.)

I keep telling myself that I'm in an enviable position right now. If it works, I'll be really happy. If it doesn't, I'll be disappointed, but I still get to spend my life with my best friend, and wake up next to him, go on adventures with him, sleep in on weekends, do whatever the hell I want whenever the hell I want to do it, etc. I get to be gloriously selfish - and I don't think that's a bad thing.

I'm having moments where I'm clinging to that desire for selfishness. I suspect, although it isn't spoken about, that many women go through this when they are actually pregnant - it's part of the transition into motherhood. You have to mourn your old life before starting your new one. I'm just going through this now because most people don't have this much build up to potential conception.

These feelings are quite likely my brain's way of preparing me for disappointment. It's putting road blocks up around my heart. *pats brain* Good brain. You take such good care of us. My heart is really tired of disappointment, and my brain is well aware.

An email from Janine

Got this email from my darling Janine, which was her way of saying that I'm in her thoughts, without actually saying it like a Hallmark card. I thought I'd share it because it made me laugh.

I realize you're going to be playing your cards pretty close to your chest about the IVF and donor eggs and such. If that's how you gotta play it, that's the way you gotta play it. BUT KNOW THIS!! *strikes a noble pose* I am impossibly curious and interested.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "now she's gonna say that she's there for me if I need her" and NO, I was not going to say that, although I did say that just to say that I'm not going to say that. I am NOT here for you with, like, *just the right thing* to make you feel better. I don't got a panda that corresponds to the emotions related to IVF and donor eggs.

No, Yumi, I am not "here for you", but rather, I am always on the end of a phone line READY TO LISTEN WITH GREAT INTEREST. Yes, that's right, lots of interest.

So you'll be out there, in clinics, with your friends and family, you'll be doing what you gotta do. And I just want you to know that I am going to be sitting idly by in my office or at home, feeling like I'm going to DIE OF CURIOUSITY. Mark will recognize the symptoms. I will wander from room to room, picking things up and putting things down.

This random activity will serve no purpose. If Mark tries to read, I will bat at the paperback until he finds a hard cover to beat me with.

I will complain that I am hungry, but that there is nothing to eat. I will insist on putting on the TV, but I will not be able to focus on the TV.

I will watch Fashion File upside down, so that it looks like I'm watching videos of icicles walking around on a black ceiling. I will complain about my body image.

I will fold clothes.

I will drop the clothes and they will unfold.

I will kick the clothes around in anger.

I will stomp off.

Mark will wonder why I've just ruined his laundry.

I will try new things, like brushing my teeth while I shower. Mark will listen with concern as I spit out Head & Shoulder Extreme Dandruff Control and then scream for help to get the Colgate outta my bangs.

I will try to learn five new skills at once. This will result in macraméd origami knitting needles in a red wine reduction served up on a bed of yoga.

I may dye my hair.

I won't like it, but I'll try it, and then I'll verbally abuse the hair dresser when "hot house flower" turns out to be exactly what it showed on the box, which I thought would look completely different on me.

These are the ways I will spend my time.

I felt like I should share, so that ALTHOUGH YOU WILL NEVER SEE THESE THINGS HAPPENING, you will know that I care in a non-invasive way.

...Mark may come to you for some heavy drinks during this time. Please get him drunk and let him sleep over. He'll need it.

Progress

Things are starting to move along. Appointments are being booked for tests, meetings, payment. It's starting to become real. It's all very exciting and scary.

I'll keep you all informed, but I may play this a bit closer to the chest than I have in the past.

Whisky Tango Foxtrot

Today is Day 1. About 5 weeks after my last day 1, which was brought on by acupuncture.

Can I get a big "WTF?"

Omg. Is this actually finally happening?

OWD got blood test results - she's 100% clear. I have a feeling my results are waiting on the voice mail at work, but it doesn't really matter what my immunity levels are... OWD is 100% clear, and her doctor is giving us the go-ahead.

Next step is to call OFC and... determine next steps.

Holy shit, I think this might actually be happening.

I am attempting to stomp my hopes into the floor, but those fuckers keep rising defiantly.