Oh, crazy. There you are.

In the past week or so, the crazy showed up. Of course, I didn't realize it was the crazy - I just thought everyone was judging me, that people were purposely pissing me off, and that I just wasn't good enough for anyone. 

Then, yesterday, while I was steaming about something Bundy had done several days ago to piss me off, I suddenly asked myself, "Yumi, why aren't you able to let this GO?" And it dawned on me that perhaps, just maybe, the crazy was here. 

Well, considering that on December 24, I was royally pissed off at Mark and Janine for having the temerity to go out of town for Christmas to visit their families, it is in fact possible that the crazy had showed up. 

I was *so* angry all the time. If I wasn't angry, I was filled with anxiety. Christmas Day was, I'm sorry to say, not fantastic for me. It was great to see Moe enjoying his first Christmas, but I spent a lot of time feeling judged and just not good enough. 

Shortly after asking myself what the hell my damage was, it occurred to me that maybe I was dealing with some hormonal changes related to weaning. So I asked Google. 

And Google answered. 

Let me be clear - I didn't enter into weaning without doing my research. I read about the best ways to wean, the physical risks associated with weaning, signs and symptoms of mastitis, etc. NOWHERE did it mention that weaning could bring the crazy, and especially the crazy in someone with a history of depression. Some of the reading I did mentioned that I might feel kind of sad about losing this connection. Nobody said anything about turning into a freaking nutcase. 

But it makes sense. I often feel best in the morning, when my breasts are fullest. I still nurse him first thing in the morning, and once during the day. I am happiest after these feedings. This morning, around 11am, I felt the crazy spiraling. What on earth was wrong with me? I'm lackin' prolactin. 

If I had known the risks, I'd have gone about the process much, much more slowly. And right now, I'm not taking any further steps to eliminate those last two feedings. I just have to make sure I have a back-up bottle for the one during the day - I often don't have enough.

I have been so unhappy about weaning that it crossed my mind several times in the past week or so to just stop, to go back to pumping to increase my milk supply again, and to just keep nursing for a while longer. Sure, maybe I could even pump at work and keep this up once my leave is over. But you know what? I have to wean him sometime. And I've begun. And it isn't fair to change the rules on him now. Besides, it won't be any easier the next time. 

In the meantime, it's nice to know a) the crazy is here and the world isn't out to get me, b) *why* the crazy is suddenly here, and c) that my husband and family support me in my quest to beat the crazy down. 

I was telling Bundy and my mom that I figured out that the crazy was here, and they were both staring at me as if to say, as politely as possible, "DUH." Yeah, THEY knew something was wrong. I didn't - I just thought everyone was suddenly being an asshole. 

It hasn't been this bad since I was on Clomid. I didn't have the crazy when I was pregnant. I was a bit more emotional, but I know how to deal with that. I did have it in those first three days postpartum, but I knew it was coming and was able to accept that yep, this was what I'd been warned about. 

So, yeah. The crazy is here. But I know it will get better.

Interesting

At six o'clock this morning, my son did something he has never done before. He was hungry and he refused a bottle. He sobbed, pushing the bottle away angrily. He was demanding to be breast fed. 

I nursed him. He was lucky - it was first thing in the morning, so I was pretty engorged. He wrapped his soft little hands around my breast and stroked it gently as he nursed. His eyebrows furrowed, as though he was putting every ounce of concentration into enjoying this moment and the connection between us. It broke my heart and warmed it at the same time.

Once I was empty (after hardly any time at all), I offered him the bottle again. He refused it, and cried as I put him back in his crib. His little sobs and sniffles gradually abated as he fell asleep again. 

I don't want to stop breastfeeding. I absolutely love it. I have enjoyed the convenience, the connection, the knowledge that although there were so many things my body wasn't able to do to create my son, it was at least able to nourish him. And I know how incredibly lucky I am to have been able to do it. I thanked my stars every day. But my milk supply was starting to decrease, and I thought it made more sense to do it now while we had a lot of time, rather than do it with the "back to work" deadline looming over us. 

The weaning has been going really well. But I guess it was too much to ask that he wouldn't notice the change, that my (albeit incredibly adaptable) baby would be able to completely give up something he loves so much without any protest at all. And in a way, I find it reassuring. He's showing me that he has enjoyed nursing as much as I have over the past 10 months.

The Long Goodbye

I've started weaning because there have been a few feedings now where Moe is still hungry after I'm tapped dry. So I gave him a bottle last night before bed. (Cut to me in the bathroom, expressing milk into a washcloth to reduce the engorgement in my left breast.) He's never had a problem taking a bottle, so I know this process will go pretty well. But I'll miss breastfeeding. I'll miss the way our eyes would meet, the way his chubby little hands would sometimes pat my boob, as if to say, "good boob, I love you". I'll even miss the way he would pull off just as the letdown was starting, causing milk to spray everywhere. I'm so pleased I was able to breastfeed - it erased any insecurities I had about him not being of my DNA. It was something we were able to learn together - although it didn't come easily. I'm really grateful for the nursing necklace Ardently made me - I'll keep it as a memento of this special time we shared.

In the meantime, I'm going to start bottle feed him every other feeding, and see where that gets us. Today went really well. I pumped early in the morning to deal with the engorgement, and nursed him once. Other than that, he was getting bottles or sippy cups.

Dear Moe (10 months)

Oh, sweet baby, the time is flying by. And you are getting so big so quickly. You haven’t increased in size much this month, but wow, have you ever made strides in terms of your abilities. Every day there seems to be something new that you can do.

The biggest change is that you’re crawling! Oh yes, you figured it out! Around the end of November, you found first gear and it didn’t take very long for you to become totally mobile. And just this past week or so, you’ve started pulling yourself up onto your knees, sitting back on your haunches. You’re working very hard to pull up to standing, and you enjoy “walking” with our help.

You’re not too interested in your exersaucer anymore, except to use it to pull yourself up. But you do still enjoy spending some time in your playpen, which is nice for me, because it gives me a chance to get a few things done in the kitchen or the living room.

For the most part, we keep the TV off during the day, except for 4:00 pm, when Ellen comes on. You love Ellen. It’s crazy. You’ll sit quite happily in your playpen, or snuggle with me on the couch, and you can’t take your eyes off her. I can understand why you like the show - it’s upbeat, there’s music, we dance, there’s a lot of laughter and clapping. It’s nice that we can have something to watch together!

You’re making all kinds of new sounds, too. I’m pretty darn sure you say “Dadada” and “Mamama” (and mean it) and for a little while you were making this awesome sound like “neg-neg-neg”. I’d like you to start spending a bit less time with your soother in - I love to hear you chat.

You wave hello and goodbye, you greet people with a smile, and you’re still very much the smiley and happy baby we love so much. You have some great ticklish spots, you’re learning how to do an eskimo kiss, and you love dancing and being tossed around. Nothing is better than the sound of your laugh.

You have not gotten used to the vaccum. I thought if I kept using it, you’d eventually get used to the noise. Now you cry before I even turn it on. But I’ll keep persevering.

Teething is back with a vengeance right now. You drool like a St Bernard, and I can tell your gums are really bothering you when you chew on Chomp or Sophie only to toss them aside in frustration. But you still have no teeth to show for all that effort and discomfort.

Your sleep patterns have changed again - you generally do longer stretches at night waking up only once (except when teething is bad), and you’re taking two naps a day instead of three. Sometimes we struggle a bit after the first night-time wake up, but it’s getting better.

Your skin has gotten so much better since we took you off of poultry and eggs. You enjoy eating cheese, you love a good Baby Num Num cracker, and we give you either pork or beef every day. We’re working on getting more fish in there, too. You’ve started drinking cows milk now - you like it out of a sippy cup, not a bottle. But if we give you formula, you prefer that out of a bottle. You love your wheat biscuit cereal, and your fruit (apples, blueberries, strawberries, mixed fruit). You can chew whole peas and pieces of carrot and potato in your stew, and you enjoy the occasional serving of soggy cheerios. You still haven’t mastered picking up the cheerios up to feed yourself, but they can be slippy little buggers, so I understand. I tried giving you melon, and while you enjoyed it, you also sucked all the juice out and spit out the pieces.

I take you out for sleigh ride every day, if possible. You like to lean slightly to one side and let your hand trail along beside the sleigh. We’ve lost a mitten this way, but recovered it on the way home. It also means I have to be pretty careful where I pull the sled - I don’t want you running your mitt through anything gross! The other day we went to the park and you got back on your swing - you were pretty happy to see that you could still swing in the winter. You look so cute in your snowsuit with your hat and scarf - a little blue bird with brown and red trimming.

We took you to one of our favourite holiday events this year - the annual Mochitsuki. You did beautifully in such a crowded place. You watched the rice pounding with mild interest, but it was the Taiko drumming that got you really excited. You kicked your legs and laughed and swung your arms. It was wonderful. We’ve been waiting a long, long time to bring you there. And the Japanese Ambassador took notice of you and gave you a little tickle under the chin as he passed by.

And our Christmas tree is up! At first, you weren’t keen to touch it at all (I can’t say we were sorry), but now you reach out with cautious interest. Occasionally, the low branches poke you in the bum as you scoot around, and you often protest with great indignation. It takes up a lot of room in the living room, so I’m glad you don’t totally hate it. We put up your two Christmas ornaments - the Baby’s First Christmas Mickey Mouse ornament your Grandpa brought you from Walt Disney World just after you were born, and the Winnie the Pooh Baby’s First Christmas ornament I bought you. I think we’ll wait until Christmas Eve to put any gifts under the tree, though!

Little boy, you love your Daddy so much. You have so much fun with him - especially just before and after your bath. You laugh, you dance, you squeal in delight. You wave goodnight to him every night - even when he’s not there! And it’s wonderful to hear you say “Dadadada.” (Almost as awesome as when you say “Mamamama.”)

We had a holiday gathering here just before my birthday. There were more than 30 people in the house, between 5pm and 8pm. You did beautifully. You remained in great spirits, you didn’t mind the crowds, you played with everyone so well, and were generally a delight. It was magical. You never cease to amaze us, Moe.

We’re going to your very first birthday party this afternoon! Your little friend Emily is turning one - I’m sure it will be an exciting time for you and all your friends. :)

You love playing with your train, as well as with your plastic vegetables. I bought you a ball recently, and you enjoy rolling it back and forth. I can’t wait for you to see what Santa is going to bring you...

Thank you so much for making 2010 the best year of my life, little man. You are so much fun to play with, to cuddle, to sing to, to dance with. We are so lucky to have you in our life. I love you.