Unwelcome Visitor

Ok, so imagine you have this friend. Except, they aren't even really a friend, more like someone you used to see regularly, out of necessity, but you never really got along. But you learned to live together. Then suddenly one day, they disappear. They are gone from your life - no warning, no explanation. You're having a hard time with something that they could really help you with, but they won't return your calls. You think they may have blocked your email.

You struggle through your hard time without them - you get help from others. It isn't ideal or easy, but you get through it. You figure they are out of your life forever.

And then suddenly, years later, they show up on your doorstep, suitcase in hand. They need a place to stay. You are totally unprepared for their visit - you don't even know where your spare sheets are, you are flabbergasted to see them. And they are the worst possible houseguest. You tell them you already have plans, they insist on tagging along. They start making demands on you, making you physically uncomfortable, they keep you up at night, and you become so irritable around them. You're exhausted. And they refuse to tell you how long they are staying. The visit seems to last forever. They make you incredibly uncomfortable, you're so hurt by them that you're near tears.

Finally, you wake up one morning and they're gone. They've left a note. It says, "I'll be back again in a year, maybe 18 months. Can't be sure. See you then. You seem tired - maybe you should eat some steak."

This, ladies and gentlemen, is my relationship with my period. She's a total bitch. Just when I've forgotten about her, she shows up again, and she kicks my ass.

Occasional Twinges

I still get occasional twinges.

Don't get me wrong. I love my son so much that it's painful. I am so very grateful to have him in my life.

And I am well aware that we don't have the financial (or even perhaps emotional) resources to raise a second child.

But if we did have those resources... just say we did... It would be really nice to have a choice about it.

Because, apparently, when you have one child, people don't think anything of asking if you plan to have another. And even though I have buckets of experience with dealing with these kind of questions, it really doesn't get any easier.

Some Advice

I have several friends struggling with infertility right now, and today one of them told me that their boss called a bunch of people into his office and announced his wife's pregnancy. 

"I wasn't expecting that," this person said. "How do you deal with something like that?" 

My reply to this question: 

OMG, you try not to throw up.

I had a mantra. I would tell myself, "I'm happy for this person. I'm just really sad for me." And that feeling this way is OK. And I would put on a brave face for 2 minutes, walk up to them and congratulate them heartily, and then back off and say, "I'm sorry, I must run. Congratulations again!" and get the hell out of dodge. Or if it's a big group, just discretely melt out of the room.

And then go find some ice cream. 

And then you take your ice cream and go for a walk and cry. Because someone has just emotionally kicked you in the stomach and that's what we as humans do when that happens. You cry at the injustice and the unfairness and the why-the-hell-is-life-like-this.

And later, when it comes time to celebrate this man's good fortune, you send me $20 and I go and find some children's books, and I wrap them for you and buy a card, and you sign the card and give it to someone who will be attending the shower and you SEND YOUR REGRETS. Because torture is against the Geneva convention and attending a baby shower is torture for people coping with infertility.

Moments of Disbelief

I know how lucky we are. Every day I thank the universe for being so very good to us. But still, I occasionally get hit with moments of total disbelief - moments where my life is just really freaking surreal in how awesome it is and how lucky we are to have Moe. 

Yesterday, when I bought a small pack of birthday candles at the grocery store, I had one of those moments.