Choices

Right now, it's all about making choices. I have these small windows and I have to choose what to do with them. Do I eat? Do I shower? Do I pump? What about peeing? Do I sleep? Wash those bottles in the sink? Pick up those papers over there? Small windows.

Also, I'm desperately trying to get through a book called The Baby Whisperer, which has lots of tips that will help us, but I haven't had much time to sit around and read. I was counting on a bit more leave time to get organized before his arrival. I find myself saying, "Yes, well, he's three weeks early" a lot. Much like Dante in Clerks, he's not even supposed to be here today.

There are also the (even smaller) windows when he's awake. Do we take this opportunity for a bath? Some tummy time on the floor? A walk outside? Should we do skin to skin? A few people have said I should lay him out in the sun. How am I supposed to do all those things with so few little windows? It's easy to make suggestions, but harder to put them into practice.

But we're both getting the hang of this together, he and I.

My back is still pretty sore, and I'm still taking ibuprofen to help with that and the occasional cramping. I'm going to try and make an appointment for a post-partum massage for Bundy's next day off.

I've managed to shower every day since he's been home, I think. I also try and get a nap in, if possible. We also try and get outside every day. I wish I were doing more skin to skin, but the house is on the chilly side and I haven't been able to time it right with when the sun comes in through the patio doors and hits the couch. Also, there's only so many of those little windows.

But although this isn't easy, it's also amazing and wonderful at the same time. I'm so in love with his little face, his gorgeous eyes, and his increasingly chubby cheeks. I'm learning to watch and listen when he cries instead of just swooping in to pick him up. I will eventually teach him to soothe himself to sleep (see book above - there are two more I need to read on that subject, too, apparently - jeebus), but right now, we're just doing the best we can. And overall, it's going well.

I'm pretty proud of myself, though. In the two weeks since he's been here, I've gotten his birth certificate, his SIN card, and done and filed our taxes. Tomorrow, Bundy is off and we're going on an adventure to Babies R Us to look at strollers. My dad has offered to buy us one, and we need to do some recon.

My to do list is still pretty long, but I'll get through it eventually. After all, he's never going to be this small again. And I want to treasure every minute of this.

Dear Moe (2 Weeks)

Hello, darling. It hasn't been easy to find time to write you letters, but it isn't because I don't care. It's because I'm busy taking care of you! It's hard to believe it's been two weeks already with you in our lives - in some ways, it feels like you've always been here, and in others it all feels very shiny and new.

You've started trying to lift your head, which is adorable to see. You have very strong legs and arms, and your suck is also very powerful! You're a strong little lad, and it is wonderful to watch you try and get stronger.

When we first brought you home, you slept all the time. In fact, it was often a challenge to get you to wake up enough to nurse. You still sleep a lot, but you are able to wake yourself to let us know you are hungry. And sometimes you don't want to fall asleep at all, even though you are very tired. You've had a couple of attacks of gas pains, which have been harrowing on all of us, but are overall a very sweet little guy with a wonderful disposition.

There is also nothing wrong with your ability to poop. Holy cow. There have been a few times where you go through three diapers in one change. Yikes! We call those "thunderpoops".

I try and get outside with you once a day, especially since the weather has been so lovely the last few days. It's been sunny and getting milder. We typically just go for a little walk around the block and check the mail. I'm looking forward to spring being here when we can spend more time outside together. When we go outside, I put you in your wrap. It works well, but I think we'll try the Baby Bjorn soon, as the wrap can make my back kind of sore after a while.

You don't mind the bath, if you can believe it. You wail for a moment when I put you in, but you settle right down very quickly. The bathtub we bought for you is just too big right now, so I've been bathing you in an old roasting pan. It sounds funny, but it's just the right size for you! And it fits on the bathroom counter, so my back doesn't hurt when I bathe you. You're due for a bath today - I hope you still enjoy it.

You are still getting the hang of nursing, but improving every day. You tend to fall asleep at the boob, so I have to pump your arm a little bit or blow gently in your face. (Sorry about that.) We do occasionally give you a bottle - maybe once or twice a day. And I'm still trying to pump a few times a day, too, but it's becoming less crucial since you're nursing so much better.

Your furry brother, as we call him, tends to approach you with a combination of reverence and trepidation. He has given you a head-butt of love once, and tends to meow at us when you are crying, as though he wants to say, "What are you DOING to my baby?" But he has never gotten into your bassinet while you're in it, and generally stays out of it even when you're not.

Daddy's been back at work for a week and a half, but he hurries home in the evening to see you. He's so amazing, Moe. You have no idea how much he loves you. And he takes very good care of us - he sterilizes your bottles and pump attachments, he cooks for us, and he is generally supportive and awesome. Granny has also been here every day, keeping up with the laundry and the dishes, which has been so helpful.

Well, little man, I'm going to sign off. You're sleeping upstairs right now, but I'm not sure how much longer I have before you wake up. Keep growing (but not too fast! you already outgrew the little Pooh hat with ears that you wore in the hospital, and you can't wear your little sleep sack anymore either!) and I hope you can tell how much we love you. I only tell you a few hundred times a day. :)

Moe's Birth Story

On Wednesday, I had an appointment with Dr. S., and he determined that my blood pressure was higher than normal. Since I'd just nicked the side mirror on the way to the appointment, it was possible that was the cause. He asked me to come back the next day to recheck. So on Thursday at about 11:00, I was checked again, and the blood pressure was still too high. He said I would need to be induced within the next 48 hours. Staggered, I asked for a second opinion. Dr. H. was able to see me about 45 minutes later, and he explained everything to me really well and said that in medical terms, this was pretty much a no-brainer. Induction, and soon. 

Bundy was pretty floored, as he prides himself on being prepared for everything, and we were feeling distinctly unprepared for this. He left work and we met back at home at about 3:00 pm. At about 4:00 pm, the phone rang - it was the Civic, offering us a spot that evening. We asked for 15 minutes to think about it, and decided that whether this happened now or later, it was going to happen, so we'd better just do it. We called back, and they told us to come in for about 6:00 pm. We both showered and ate, and showed up at the Civic with our bags. 

And a good thing, too. Because when you're induced for pre-eclampsia, they want you to stay there the whole time. Our birth room was fantastic - so nice and large, and with a lovely and inviting tub. They hooked up the fetal heart rate monitor to me almost right away, and at about 8:00 pm, they administered prostaglandin gel to start the induction. I was able to sleep until about 2:00 am, when they gave me a second dose. Not a whole lot had happened in the meantime - my cervix had started to prepare itself, I'd had some cramping, but nothing major. Bundy remembers waking up around 2:00 am and seeing three people around me that he'd never seen before, and they were performing a rather painful and traumatic exam. He jumped up and got by my side pretty darn quick. They broke my water, which meant the clock was now ticking - if I didn't give birth within a certain amount of time, they'd do a c-section. No one said that, but we knew. 

After that second dose of prostaglandin, actual contractions began, but quite slowly. We could see them on the contraction monitor. At 8:00 am, they started oxytocin by IV at 7 ml an hour. They got me on the wireless fetal heart rate and contraction monitor, and around 11:00 am, I got into the bathtub to labour there. I stayed there for two hours, and the contractions were getting stronger and stronger. Bundy and the nurse, Julie, put pressure on my back - I was having back labour. Julie was concerned that this might mean the baby was facing the wrong way (he was head down, but facing the wrong way). At about 1:30 pm, the contractions were strong and steady enough that Bundy called his mom to come in to be with us. 

We were trying a variety of poses. I was using the yoga ball, I leaned on the bed, I threw myself into Bundy's arms in something called "slow dance pose". But by 3:00 pm, it was time for an epidural. I was getting worn out, and the contractions weren't progressing. I was 4 cm. 

The epidural was no picnic. Bundy stayed in the room, and faced me, while the anesthesiologist prepped my back. I was sitting upright on the bed. He injected a freezing, and then began administering the epidural right away. Well, I wasn't frozen, so I screamed. He told me I shouldn't be feeling anything, but I begged to differ. Bundy just about jumped over the bed, and only barely resisted saying, "She screams again and I jam that needle into your spine." The second attempt went a bit better, and as the epidural took effect, I was able to sleep. I slept until about 5:00 pm, and that couple of hours of rest made quite a difference.

At 5:00 pm, they checked me again and I was 4.5 cm. 

We watched Firefly on the laptop, we listened to mellow music. Bundy joked that as he was wearing his Yoda t-shirt, and I was drinking raspberry leaf tea out of my Star Trek Experience mug, and we were watching Firefly, Moe was likely resisting coming out because his parents were just so darn geeky. 

Throughout that afternoon, from about 3:00 pm to 6:00 pm, we tried different positions to get the baby moving and facing the right way. I spent a great deal of time in Child's Pose, which I knew from yoga, but with my bum right in the air. At 7:00 pm, our awesome nurse Julie left, and Beth replaced her. Beth was more aloof, but knew her stuff. 

At 8:00 pm, Dr. A. came in and checked me again. She checked me in a slightly different position, and declared that I was now actually 9 cm. "SHUT UP!" I exclaimed. (Why is it that I seem to say that at all these important moments, like when I was told I was pregnant?) 

I rested up until about 11:00 pm; there was little progress and the contractions, while strong, weren't terribly steady. As the clock was ticking down from when they broke my water, they said it was time to start pushing. 

It took me a few tries to get the hang of it - three years of yoga training has taught me never to hold my breath when exerting myself, which is what you have to do to push. But I figured it out, and was able to use the squat bar. (I marveled at how the epidural removed the pain, but left the pressure, and I was still able to move my legs.) I pushed until 12:45 am, when Dr. A. came back in and reached inside me and managed to turn him around. She told me I could push for another 15 minutes, but then we'd have to change tactics. I knew what that meant - an emergency c-section. My contractions were still really sporadic, but I kept pushing with each one, as hard as I could. 

She came back in at 1:00 am, ready to tell me that it was time for the c-section, but saw the progress I was making. She said we'd use the vacuum, and I had three contractions to show her I could do this before we'd move ahead with the section. They attached the vacuum (which wasn't at all what I thought it was) at 1:03 am, and at 1:08 am (three contractions later), our son was born. We had escaped the c-section by minutes. 

He didn't cry, so they took him to give him some oxygen, but he was fine, he just wasn't crying. That was ok, I was crying enough for everyone. My whole body was wracked with sobs - six years of emotion rushed through me and I sobbed my heart out. The doctor kept telling me he was fine, and I said, "You don't understand! It's been six years!" Bundy cried a little, too, and held me and told me what an amazing job I had done. As soon as I got to hold Moe, I fell madly in love with him. He was perfect, he was beautiful, and he was ours. I barely noticed them sewing me up as I just stared at him and held him close to me. 

They weighed him and he was 6lbs, 3oz. 

It was only afterwards that Bundy told me that at the very moment he was born, the song "Thank You" by Natalie Merchant was playing. That's our song, and the fact that it played as our son came into the world was just magical.

Dear Moe - Welcome to the World!

There are no words to describe how much we are ridiculously in love with you.

It has been an eventful few days, my love. We thought we'd have a few more weeks until you joined us, but the doctors decided it was time to bring you out because of my blood pressure. So you were induced on Thursday night (a week ago tonight!), and you came out early on Saturday morning. (You are a Baconfest Baby!) I'll write you the story of how you were born sometime in the next little while, but it suffices to say that we were in love with you from the moment we saw you.

I call you my little pigeon because of the adorable cooing noises you make. You didn't cry for 12 hours, only breaking your silence when we gave you a bath. Daddy was quite relieved to hear your voice for the first time.

We struggled quite a bit with nursing while we waited for my milk to come in - you would either keep breaking your own latch or would latch and not suck. You'd keep falling asleep, and we'd have to pump your little arm to keep you awake. So we started supplementing you with formula - and a good thing, too, since you ended up with some jaundice. You've been staying with Grandma at her work for the last two nights - I'm going to hopefully get to pick you up from the Special Care Nursery at some point this morning. I can't wait to have you home with us again.

Here's a photo of you catching some rays:

We both just about died from cute when we saw your position - you are adorable when you sleep like that, and we're enchanted by your hairy back and shoulders. But don't get used to that position - when you come home, it's back on the back for you, sweet pea. :) We are a little concerned that apparently you can already turn yourself over, though! You did it once while in your little tanning bed, and we are both impressed and a little freaked out. You're also gaining weight very well, and I'm sure you're going to be a chunky little monkey soon.

Just before you were readmitted, we had an appointment with a lactation consultant, and I think it was worth every penny. She gave us some great tips, and you showed her how quickly you could learn. As my milk is now pretty much in, I am confident that you'll get the hang of this soon. And in the meantime, I'm happy to pump for you. We have some great tools for teaching sessions with you - I'm looking forward to the time when you'll be able to nurse like a champ, like I know you can. You've showed us a couple of times.

We've only had one night with you at home, and it went pretty well. At one point you were rather unhappy, and it was because you were kind of gassy. But Daddy took you into his arms and settled you onto his chest, and you fell asleep right away. You hung out together in front of the TV in the middle of the night for about an hour and a half. I've known for some time that sleeping on Daddy's chest is a magical thing - I'm so glad you've figured it out.

We've decided that we'd rather have you sleep in our room for now, so we're building you a bassinet out of a drawer. Daddy is going to find some fairly hard-cell foam, about an inch thick, to create a little mattress for you, and we'll set you up on the dresser where we can get to you quickly, but still both sleep in the same bed.

So far, I'm recovering well from your birth. My ankles are incredibly swollen, but if I keep walking and drinking lots of water, that should go away. My back is also pretty sore - a combination of sore muscles from labour, and finding my way through nursing. We had lots of compliments in the hospital about how great the muscle tone in my stomach is - I was pleased that I worked so hard to get into good shape to carry you. And it was good that I kept up with my yoga.

As I said, I'll tell you about how you were born soon, but I wanted to say one thing about your Daddy. Moe, he is an incredible man. He takes such good care of both of us, and has been totally amazing this past week. I didn't expect anything less, because I know how awesome he is, but I am overwhelmed by his love for us. You have an incredible role model in him, my love. And don't ever doubt that he loves you from the bottom of his heart.

He's back at work today, but I know he's going to rush home at the end of the day at top speed to see you.

Special Care

Yesterday evening we had to re-admit our little guy to the Special Care Nursery at the Ottawa Civic Hospital. He is showing signs of jaundice, and his bilirubin levels aren't what they should be. So he went in for some time under a special lamp that will treat this. He's going to be fine - this is just a minor setback.

I won't get into what it was like to have to leave him there overnight. Maybe some day I'll blog about it, but not today.

On the bright side, both Bundy and I are better rested this morning. They are going to keep him until tomorrow for sure, so we'll have another night with a full sleep.

We're headed there now to spend the day with him.

The fact that his grandmother is one of the most senior nurses at the Special Care Nursery is also very reassuring - if I have to leave him somewhere, there's nowhere I'd feel more comfortable doing it.

Introducing...

Moe. :) (We aren't using his real name on the internet.)

A birth story and other thoughts will come, but in the meantime...

Born Saturday, February 20, 2010 at 1:08 am. Weighed in at 6lbs and 3oz of total awesome.

We are completely in love.

We got home Monday afternoon, around 2:45 pm. Tomorrow's adventures include a pediatric appointment and a date with a lactation consultant.

Update

 We're going in for 6pm. See you on the other side.