So, How's It Going?

People have been asking me this question a lot lately. I went back to work on Monday. It's Wednesday.

How is it going? Well, I enjoy the people I work with. I enjoy the work that I do. But it has been very difficult to go from seeing Moe for every one of his waking moments to spending only 2.5 hours with him in the evening, during which time he needs to be fed and bathed. I miss planning and going on our daily adventures. I miss being there when he wakes up in the morning, and from his nap. I miss the way he crawls over to me to recharge. 

I got home yesterday, and I swear he was miffed at me. I may be projecting. 

I'm not sure what circle of hell this is, but I'll let you know when I figure it out. 

So, how's it going? Not fucking well. 

But I'm a brave little toaster with tons of toaster-bravery experience, and I'll get through this like anything else.

Dear Moe (12 Months)

I’ve kind of been dreading writing this letter, my love, because I didn’t want to make it real. But it’s true. You’re going to be one year old on Sunday. Holy monkey. This year has gone by so very, very quickly.

Before I get into more sentimental musings, let me tell you how far you’ve come in the last month. In the last four weeks alone, you have managed to learn to pull yourself up to standing (and get back down again with grace and style) and cruise the furniture. We’ve caught you free standing for a few seconds here and there. And the other day, you were playing by the stairs and suddenly your feet weren’t on the floor anymore - you’d managed to get up one stair. 




You are the king of the main floor. The whole place is childproofed now - gates at the top of the stairs and in both kitchen entrances. We’ve set up a fantastic play area for you with all kinds of lovely toys. And you go right for the electrical sockets, the laptop and the DVD player.

You are still a very happy little boy, for the most part. You’re taking a real interest in your surroundings. You noticed and love the Peter Ellenshaw postcard in your room - I put it in there one day and you saw it right away when you woke up from your nap. I’m thinking of ordering you a Peter Ellenshaw poster for your room. We finally put up your wall art (you know, almost a year after you were born), and you love it. You like looking at the pictures and at photos on the walls around the house. And a few weeks ago you started something new - you noticed the framed photo of Boo in the living room, and every day you ask to say hello to it. (We bring it down to you and you point at it and say things to him.) You also love your Disney snowglobe - part of getting up from your nap is watching it play a few times.

You still love music - your Daddy has been introducing you to classical music. You love grooving to Vivaldi and Corelli, but aren’t so keen on the Germanics. You enjoy the funk and jazz he plays you, too. And you still adore dancing with us.

Your new favourite thing to do is to crawl all over me while I lie on the floor. You put your little fingers in my belly button, you snuggle up to my belly, and you crawl all over my legs. You still do the “Mommy Recharge” when you play - you’ll just crawl up to me if I’m sitting on the floor or the couch, come for a little snuggle for a moment, and then go back to playing.

We hang our Christmas cards from little festive clothespins on a string along the banister. Over the holidays, you enjoyed looking at the cards so much. We’d take one down for you every day, let you touch it and play with it. But now that the holidays are over, it seemed so bare. So I made you another clothesline for cards - we’ll always have some around, whether they are for Valentine’s Day or Easter or a birthday. Now you know you can always look at your cards.



When we go on our afternoon adventure, and it involves the car, you always smile at me as I look behind me to pull out of the garage. I think you like going out in the afternoons. Sometimes we go to playgroup, or to visit a friend, or to a museum. Or we go run an errand and get some groceries. You always seem to enjoy our adventures, whatever we do.

I’ve been trying to go to the playgroup at the Ontario Early Years Centre as much as possible over the last few weeks. I want you to play with other kids as much as you can. Plus, I want you to already be comfortable there so it’s easy for Granny or Grandma or Daddy to bring you. You don’t currently excel at the circle time, but you’re learning. First, you saw circle time as so convenient because all the good toys were suddenly free. Then, you saw it as your personal time with the educator, and you’d crawl up to her and sit in her lap while she tried to lead the songs. If we keep taking you, you may eventually sit still. Maybe.

You’re a very gentle little boy. You can be trusted with pets, like Zaphod, Murray and Missy Bean. You still need to be supervised, obviously, but you’re so good to them. You pet them gently. You’re also fairly gentle with other kids, but you don’t understand why it’s ok to pull yourself up using Mommy or Daddy but not the 11-month-old at playgroup. And you still go for the eyes. *grin*



You love playing peekaboo around corners in the house. You enjoy being pushed around on your car - it won’t be long before you can use it with the walker setting. You like to sit by your book cupboard, open the door, and choose books to look at. Sometimes we look at them together and sometimes you just want to look at them by yourself.



You still have no teeth. But the teething has escalated - I didn’t think it could, but it has. At one point, you refused to eat. (That has NEVER happened before.) We ended up feeding you little bits of frozen fruit, and that helped. You can feed yourself finger food now! And you love to! It’s wonderful to see you putting puffs, cheerios, cheese, toast bites, bits of mushrooms, grapes, potato and more.

Your nose has been running for more than a week now, you poor thing. It’s made things difficult for you. I thought it was teething related, but it may have been a cold. We brought you to the doctor and she confirmed you had no ear infection or chest congestion, which put my mind at ease. She also noticed that your fingers were in very, very rough shape. Between the eczema and putting your fingers in your mouth, they had become so raw and cracked. We had tried band-aids and polysporin, but apparently that wasn’t the thing to do. She prescribed a cream for them and after just a few days we’ve already noticed a big improvement. That makes us very happy.

She also gave us some recommendations for bath time - we’re to bathe you every day instead of every two days (when possible), keep the baths short and not too hot, and rub oil on you before drying you off. Bath time isn’t the fun time it used to be for you - you hate having your head tipped back to rinse your hair (since you won’t do it of your own accord, we have to force you) and you want to stand up in the tub all the time. But you do love being in the water!

We have a small celebration planned for your birthday, with some of the people who love you best. We’ve invited a few of your friends that have known you since the early Well Baby Clinic days, and your Aunt Natalie will be in town to celebrate with you, too.

Big changes are coming, little dude. I go back to work the day after your birthday. Granny, Grandma, Daddy and I will be taking care of you, with Granny doing the lion’s share. I know you’ll be very happy with this arrangement. After six months, we’ll find you a day care spot where you can play with other kids, too. But I am going to miss you more than I can even describe. So I won’t - not right now. I’ll tell you about that in a separate letter.

Do you have any idea what this past year has meant to us, little man? Your Daddy and I expected that being your parents would be fun. We never dreamed it would be this much fun. You bring joy into our lives every day. We love sharing our life with you. Every day, we tell you how awesome you are. And you are. Even when things are difficult and you’re not having the best time, you’re still amazing. You amaze us with your patience, your sunny disposition, your laid-back attitude and your fantastic laugh.



We say that our family mantra is “We want to be invited back.” And you’ve never let us down - everywhere we bring you, you are well behaved and sweet. It helps that we try to read your signs and leave before things turn ugly. But so far, we’ve always been invited back.

We knew from the moment we first held you in our arms that you would change our lives. We didn’t realize that in the process, we’d become better people. Thank you, we owe you so much.

Sneaky Sock

Moe likes to take his socks off while on the change table. He pulls on the toes until... BADOING! the sock comes off. He especially likes to do this with the "other" foot when I'm putting his socks on, but I digress.

Yesterday, he pulled his socks off and flapped them around while I was changing his diaper. He was super squirmy. He tossed the socks around. I got him all diapered up and dressed, and went to retrieve the socks. I could only find one. My mom was there and she turned the change table upside down, but we only found one sock. Whatever. I put another sock on him and put him down for his nap.

But it bugged me. Where was that second sock? I knew it was driving my mom crazy, too.

Cut to two hours later when a sunny little boy wakes up from his nap. Time to change the diaper again. I open it... and there's a very wet sock in his diaper.

I stared at him incredulously. "Seriously?"

He laughed at me.

Moments of Disbelief

I know how lucky we are. Every day I thank the universe for being so very good to us. But still, I occasionally get hit with moments of total disbelief - moments where my life is just really freaking surreal in how awesome it is and how lucky we are to have Moe. 

Yesterday, when I bought a small pack of birthday candles at the grocery store, I had one of those moments.

Passing Time

When did this tiny little creature...



turn into this boy?

Dear Moe (11 Months)

Hello, sweet baby doll. In a few days, you will be 11 months old. It’s pretty much blowing my mind how quickly the time is passing. We have had a very eventful month.

You had your first Christmas, my love, and it was wonderful to watch you enjoying the day. A very special visitor was there to greet you when you came downstairs on Christmas morning - Mrs. Claus! You had a nice little visit with her, then she left and Grandma showed up right away. We opened your stocking, which Granny made you, and were a little stunned by the amount of gifts under the tree that were for you. We opened them slowly throughout the day - the next couple of days, actually - and you were able to really appreciate them. It was a really fantastic Christmas for us, too - having you in our lives has made Christmas even more special. I look forward to next year. And after Christmas, Daddy had 8 days off and we had a lot of fun together. I think you really enjoyed spending so much time with him.

You are on the move, little boy. You crawl at light speed, and it won’t be long before you’re standing on your own. You can pull yourself into this tripod position - crawling, but with one leg straight and your foot on the ground. Sometime you hang around in what is essentially downward dog, with your bum in the air. You love to walk and cruise the furniture with help. You also do this awesome thing were you crawl to a toy, pick it up, put it behind you, and then go to sitting. You know exactly where your toy is - and it didn’t get in your way during the transition!

This past month, we weaned you. It broke my heart to do it, I won’t lie. We both enjoyed nursing very, very much. But I need to prepare you slowly for my return to work, and this was an important part of that. You handled it beautifully, overall, only refusing a bottle a couple of times. There were some sleep issues that arose as we weaned, but we dealt with those with many, many extra cuddles. Cuddles are now an important part of our bedtime routine. I stroke your hair, kiss your forehead, we give each other Eskimo kisses, and you snuggle your face against my arm. It’s a really special time and I think it’s helped us both. In some ways, it’s my favourite part of the day. (Maybe someday you’ll stop sticking your fingers in my mouth and nose while you drink your bottle.)

Some of your little friends have made the transition to cow’s milk quite well, but you have not. We did it too quickly, and you got a terribly upset stomach for a few days. It was horrible. But we took you off milk entirely for a week, and are now introducing it slowly into your bottle. Right now you get 75% formula and 25% milk, when I think of it.

I love you like pancakes, little man, but meal time isn’t our best time right now. You want to do more and more, but aren’t quite ready and it becomes very frustrating for both of us. I’m finding different ways of keeping you occupied while I get the food into you, but you would much rather be in control of the situation. (I tried that, and discovered that “in control” meant basically finger painting with your food.) You are occasionally able to feed yourself a Cheerio, but not consistently. Once you can do that, we’ll move on to letting you do more and more of your feeding yourself. You do love feeding yourself a Mum-mum or a biscuit, though, and you can hold your sippy cup by yourself!

Christmas brought you all kinds of new toys to play with. Your favourites include your Fisher-Price Farm and the Leap Frog music table (you love to groove and dance!). You like playing with your ball, rolling it back and forth with us. You love your Touch & Feel books and your Little Panda book. You also like looking at the photo album I made you. It’s an album of photos of people who love you. We point out different people to you, or you point to them and we tell you who they are. I look forward to when we can say, “Where’s so and so?” and you’ll point to them.

A few weeks ago, we were reading the book Hug. At the end of the book, put your head on my knee and patted me. You had never done that before, and it was so fantastic. Since then, when you’ve been playing very hard and need a rest, you’ll come to me and put your head on my knee. It’s like you are recharging - it’s wonderful.

We still try and get out every day - either outside for a sleigh ride or on an outing of some kind. Sometimes, Uncle Mark brings Zaphod over and we all go for a walk together. You’re very comfortable with Zaphod, as well as with other dogs, and that makes me happy. The other day when we were out with Zaphod and Mark, you got licked by a Rottweiler and a Collie-Bouvier cross, and it didn’t phase you at all! (And those were some BIG dogs!)

There are a couple of shows we watch together when you need a quiet moment. Your favourite is definitely The Backyardigans. You smile and boogie when you see the intro. You have a similar reaction to Bert and Ernie’s Great Adventures. We’re also watched Big and Small together, but I think I get more out of it than you do right now.

You know how to communicate really well. You can sign “sippy cup”, “bottle” and “bedtime”. You wave goodbye. You let us know when you want something and are extremely clear when you don’t want something.

And sweetheart, it may be time for your first haircut soon. Your hair is just getting so long - although some of it still manages to stand up straight. But I think we’ll do it in time for your first birthday. I haven’t decided if I’ll bring you to our friend Asha, or if we’ll head to Chiquicuts where they specialize in children’s cuts.

I am determined to really treasure this last month that I have off with you, my sweet boy. But I’m not sure how I can treasure it more than I have treasured the last 11 months. I have done my best to treasure every day with you - and you make it so easy. You are so sweet, so easy going, so quick to smile and laugh. You are a joy, little Moe, and I love you more than I ever thought possible.

The Kanawana Crazies

I could write a book about my relationship with Kamp Kanawana, much less an blog entry. In my head, it's become so much more than it ever was, but I should begin with what it is.

It's a YMCA summer camp located near St. Sauveur in the Laurentians. I spent seven summers there as a camper (sorry, a kamper), from the time I was eight to the time I was fifteen years old. Members of my family were involved with Kanawana for years. My father was a camper and a ranger there. My aunt and uncle were the camp doctor and nurse in the 1960s. Many of my cousins began as campers, and moved on to become staff. My sister did the same, with her final year as CIT director in 1993.

Kanawana played a huge role in who I used to be. It still plays a role in who I am. I have some fantastic memories from my summers there. It's a place I felt at home. It's a place I always looked forward to going - it often got me through the school year - and a place I was always devastated to leave. It's where I learned to love nature. It was where I had my first kiss. It was where I learned to sing like nobody was listening. It was where I formed some really special friendships.

Unfortunately for me, the last summer I was there, The Crazy had come crashing down on me during the previous school year. And I brought it with me to kamp. I didn't just pack it along and take it with me - I waved that sucker around for all to see. It was fairly typical 15-year-old angst (I write dark poetry! I dress in black! I cut myself! LOOK! I take PROZAC!) but it didn't belong in the forest of my childhood, and that was likely a big part of the reason I didn't get hired on as a counselor in training the following summer. That was a devastating blow for me, as I didn't get to say goodbye to Kanawana on my own terms. I felt like I'd been exiled, and it was pretty heartbreaking.

Over the last 15 years or so, I have often had dreams about Kanawana. Sometimes, I'm my current age, they won't hire me on as a counselor, but I've somehow been allowed to be a camper again for one more summer. All my friends are staff members, looking curiously at the 33-year-old trying to hide among the 15-year-old girls. Sometimes, I dream that I have come back for visiting day, but the whole place has drastically changed. Nothing is the same, and I feel lost and confused. Other times, I dream perfectly normal dreams that just happen to take place at Kanawana.

But my favourite dreams are the ones where it's a gorgeous sunny day, I jump off the dock into the lake, and I swim underwater for what feels like forever. I can see the sun streaming into the lake above me, I feel energized and refreshed, and I come up for air laughing.

Kanawana and I have recently come to terms with each other. It feels nice. Because, after all, wherever you go and whatever you do, you'll always be a Kanawanian.

(Originally posted here.)