*sigh*

I just got the most... irritating email.

Friend writes to me:

"I'm really happy for you and I'm not surprised to tell you the truth. I always had faith it would happen. I know too many people who were discouraged and they have all had kids since."

I could just be hormonal and tired (ok, I AM hormonal and tired), but this feels to me like she's saying, "See? I told you it would all turn out ok - you just needed to have faith!"

No. Actually, what we needed was $12,000, a good drug plan, five years, a viable and willing donor, a chunk of counselling, great doctors, weight watchers, a gym membership, healthy eating, a strong support system and a crap load of luck.

This does NOT happen for everyone. It is NOT just a matter of "believing."

Yes, faith plays a role. But there is way more to it than that.

It feels like she's saying that everyone eventually gets pregnant if they just keep trying. And I find that really insulting.

How am I feeling? (Week 8)

I'm doing very well. :)

Getting used to the fatigue, and finding a good rhythm. Food is still a challenge, and I could probably do with eating more vegetables, but I'm taking in a good number of healthy calories. My sweet tooth has really all but disappeared, which is strange. I ate an ice cream sandwich last night and about 1/3 into it, I was sorry I'd started. I'm also avoiding chocolate right now, since it doesn't help the heartburn. (I've had a little so far, but this morning, it arrived with a vengeance.)

It will be interesting to see how I fare on vacation - my goal is to eat lots of fruit and veggies and not fall into a giant carb-fest.

Smells are a big issue right now - cooking smells are a huge turn off. (Which is strange, because normally, that just makes me hungry.) So I'm eating stuff that doesn't smell... which means it also doesn't have a whole lot of flavour.

I'm losing a lot of my muscle tone due to lack of exercise, and while that is frustrating, I know I can get a lot of it back after the first trimester is over.

I think people are a little confused as to why I'm being (asked to be) so cautious. As it turns out, I'm actually not all that high risk... but there are no "do-overs" with us. This is our one shot. So we're just not taking any chances. And, if something does go wrong (God forbid), we want to know we did absolutely everything we could.

The possibility of something going wrong is always there. It hangs over me like a black cloud. I'm afraid to get too hopeful or too happy in case the universe views it as cockiness. What's that expression about the gods not liking mortals to be too happy? But at the same time, I can't let myself be paralyzed by that possibility.

I'm planning on (quietly) telling my work that I'm pregnant once I get back from vacation. One person on our small team is leaving on mat leave in October - I'd like to give my boss as much of a head's up as possible that a second person could be leaving before the end of fiscal.

Dear Lima Bean, Week 8

Congratulations, you are officially a fetus! You're about the size of a raspberry (but I think we'll still refer to you as the lima bean), and your hands can bend at the wrist. You're losing the webbing on your feet, and you are growing eyelids. Your organs and muscles and nerves are all starting to function. You're starting to straighten out a little bit - which means you'll soon be losing that lima bean shape. All this at only 8 weeks - it seems hard to believe.

According to BabyCentre.ca, I should increase my intake of tap (or fluoridated) water to help your teeth and bones develop properly. As I tend to drink bottled water, I'll make more of an effort to go to the tap.

News of your conception is getting around quickly - and sometimes without our help at all! It's no secret how much we've been hoping for you, so I think people are extra happy to hear that you're on the way. Good news travels fast - and you are the best news.

We've had one person promise to write you a lullaby - we've asked for something in a mellow trumpet, befitting a groovy cool baby. Your Grandma is already chomping at the bit to buy you things. Your aunt is doubly excited because your existence means she can get a lot of stuff out of her basement - she's been saving stuff for you for years, little lima bean. Other generous friends have also kept stuff for you. Talk about keeping the faith.

you're gonna love this world
if it's the last thing i do
the whole extravagant joke
topped in bitter sweet chocolate goo
for someone who ain't even here yet
look how much the world loves you
-ani difranco

Keep growing strong. And if you can, reach out to the love that is all around you.

How am I feeling? (Week 7)

Still tired, nauseous and bloated. :)

We're to continue the injections and pills for another three weeks. I'll be happy to see the end of the injections - I've been having problems finding a good sleeping position lately because of the tender injection sites.

Bundy is working hard to find me things to eat. We went to Costco and got some tilapia yesterday - I'd like to eat a nice amount of fish, but I'm not a big fan of fish other than salmon, and yesterday the doctor recommended that we stay away from it. But I have been known to like tilapia. (Especially if it's breaded and fried.)

So far, I've been having really, really small meals - more like grazing, really. I'm trying to keep a nice balance of the four food groups, and since my sweet tooth has been reduced (but not eliminated, let's not be crazy), that's been going well. When I feel the need for a hot beverage, I drink peppermint tea. I'm a big fan of anything that will help my digestion - my metabolism has really slowed down.

The doctor gave me some nice clear guidelines for exercise for the first trimester. Walking twice a week, but only 2km at a time. I was using the Google Pedometer to figure out how far that is, and it's not far at all! So I think the plan is to do a quick 2km circuit after work while I wait for Bundy to pick me up.

Because the bus isn't my favourite mode of transport these days. I can smell everything, and the stop-and-start movement is horrific.

So we gave the doctor at the OFC the name of the OB-GYN we'd like to have, and he's arranging for the referral. We should hear something in about two weeks. I actually opted out of my first choice - she's amazing, but she's doing shared care right now, and my family doctor is not easy to reach. I decided I'd be more comfortable with seeing the same person the whole time. And of course, he works out of the Civic. That part is non-negotiable. ;)

Dear Baby, Week 7

Well, Baby, we've established a few things this week that have made us very happy. First, your heart is beating nice and strong. Second, you're growing in the right place. And third, you're on your own in there.

You're about the size of a lima bean. You have distinct, slightly webbed fingers and toes. And you're moving in fits and starts. Your liver is currently churning out large amounts of red blood cells until your bone marrow forms to take over this job.

And we saw you on an ultrasound screen yesterday - it was really amazing. We saw your tiny little head (which is just under 3 mm) and your little heart beat. Your heart beat was like a candle flame, flickering away. It was pretty phenomenal.

You're already an overachiever - you're about four days ahead of schedule in terms of average size and development. And your heart beat is going quickly at 140 bpm. This is a great number.

You're starting to become real to us now, and that's exciting. Within half an hour of seeing you on that screen and finding out that you are doing ok, your Daddy got very, very tired. He'd be really worried about you - and he was just so relieved that you are ok. We both are. I went home and crawled into bed to try and muster up some extra energy for you. Because you sure are using up a lot of my energy! But I'm happy to give it to you - it's what is going to make you nice and strong.

You are doing a great job growing, Baby. Keep up the great work - we're really proud of you.

One *is* a good number!

We have one small someone, and their heart is beating nice and strong. :)

How am I feeling? (Week 6)

Wow, am I ever bloated this week. I swear, I look about 6 months pregnant, not 6 weeks. I'm going to try and increase my fluid intake in an effort to reduce what I imagine is some water retention.

I'm really tired, I'm nauseous (you called it, April!), and I'm not sleeping well, but I'm on cloud nine.

I'm not sleeping well for a number of reasons. First, I normally get up once during the night to use the bathroom, but now it's at least twice. Also, I've been waking up really nauseous, and the only thing that helps is to go downstairs to have a little snack - usually a granola bar. I can't sleep on my back very long because my injection sites get sore. I don't want to sleep on my stomach, and I haven't learned to sleep well on my side. So, it's likely that Bundy isn't sleeping all that well, either. *grin* But I'll learn to sleep on my side eventually, and hopefully that will help.

The nausea isn't bad, it's just kind of... constant. I haven't hurled (*knocks on wood*), but if my stomach gets at all empty, I feel horrible. So I've been grazing all day long. And while the scale says I haven't gained any weight, my clothes (and the mirror) beg to differ. But again, I suspect the abdominal bloating has a lot to do with it.

My sense of smell would shame a bloodhound. I've always had a really sensitive nose, but lately even more so. This combined with the nausea makes for an interesting time. *grin* I can smell a cigarette from a mile away, and yesterday someone was eating a hot dog casserole for lunch and I could smell it halfway across the office. (Urgh.)

I'm hungry, but there isn't a lot of food that I want. Last night I had scrambled eggs on toast for dinner because it was the only thing I could think of that didn't turn my stomach. I predict that I may be having eggs on toast a lot for the next little while. On the bright side, hey, protein. I didn't even want an ice cream sandwich last night. Yes, you read that right.

I really miss exercise. I called the OFC earlier this week to ask again about my activity level, and couldn't really get a straight answer. "Don't do more than you feel you should." "You've worked so hard to get this far, you wouldn't want to do anything to put yourself at risk." "Walking is fine, but not too far." "You should really just be taking it easy, and enjoying it."

So I'm walking tonight, hopefully as far as Billings, but I won't shy away from stopping earlier to take a bus. I'm not sure what to do about my gym membership - I'm hoping to get some kind of guidance at my doctor's appointment on July 21. I may cancel it, and use the money to take a second weekly yoga course. I haven't been walking much lately, but that's mainly because of the weather.

Despite it all, I'm really happy and still in a state of disbelief. I've never been so overjoyed to feel like shit. :)