IAAC Meeting

So today I attended an IAAC meeting. Basically, it's a support group for people struggling with infertility. Rather than sit around in a circle and share, there's a guest speaker who facilitates, and some sharing is done, but it's topical. No one brings teddy bears or councils their inner child.

I wasn't sure what to expect, but I am so very very very glad I went.

The topic was the emotional impact of infertility, and specifically, coping with the holiday season. I was surprised at how much I got out of it, and how much I was able to contribute.

I met another woman with premature ovarian failure. She's about to undergo IVF with donor eggs - she wasn't able to use a known donor, so she's flying to the Czech Republic next week for her procedure with unknown donor eggs. She has had an unusually violent reaction to the Lupron, and has spent the last 10 days in bed feeling like she's dying. She's very sad because if this doesn't work, she won't be able to go through it a second time. The Lupron was that bad for her. She told me not to be afraid, though - her RE told her that he has never seen anyone react like this to Lupron. It's quite uncommon to have such violent side effects.

She had never met someone with POF, either. It was a powerful experience for both of us. It was really awesome to not be the only "super special rare unique case".

I have some amazing friends - and if you can read this, you can count yourself in with this group. You guys have been incredibly supportive and sensitive. I am aware of how lucky I am to have you. Many of the people I met today have kept their journey totally private - even from their family - because of fear of insensitivity.

And despite how wonderful you are, and how supported I am... it was incredibly powerful to be in a room full of people who get it. And I was struck quite suddenly by how very lonely this whole journey has been. I didn't realize it... until I was suddenly not as lonely.

Because as an infertile woman, I just don't have enough needles in my life.

So I'm going to make an appointment to try acupuncture.

There's a few reasons for this:
a) I'd like it to be part of my eventual IVF procedure, and I'd like to have tried it at least once before that, so I know what to expect
b) I am at a point now where I need help with these hot flashes. (It isn't so much "flashes" as just sudden flushing of the face and neck. I don't even think I change colour or anything, but suddenly my face and ears and even my neck are hot, like I'm really embarassed about something.)
c) I don't want to try HRT again. The last time went... badly.

Anyone heard anything terrible about this place?
http://www.calvindale.com/

Where are we now?

Several people have inquired, so here's the answer:

We had hoped to have the IVF procedure this fall, but things have stalled due to situations beyond anyone's control. OWD has a pre-existing medical condition that is not problematic to the procedure, but she needs to visit the specialist who initially diagnosed her to get that doctor's seal of approval before we can move forward. It took our OFC doctor's office a month to reach the specialist, as her office was closed in August. The gears of the medical system's wheels move slowly, and over the past few months the specialist was finally reached, but declined to give her seal of approval without first seeing OWD. OWD moved heaven and earth to get an appointment with said specialist, and finally got one... for the end of January. No, it can't be moved up... we tried.

So that's where we are now. We'll see how things go in the spring. I figure we've waited this long, a few more months will be fine.

It has been just over a year since OWD and her partner made their very generous proposal. No matter what happens in the coming months, this year has brought us closer together and has given me hope I didn't have before. Both things are wonderful.

November 4, 2008

Smile though your heart is aching

Smile even though it's breaking

When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by

If you smile through your fear and sorrow

Smile and maybe tomorrow

You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness

Hide every trace of sadness

Although a tear may be ever so near

That's the time you must keep on trying

Smile, what's the use of crying?

You'll find that life is still worthwhile

If you just smile

Halloweenie Email Exchange

Yumi writes to Janine: 

I'm looking forward to the party, but not up to handing out candy for the trick or treating. I just can't handle seeing all those happy parents and their little kids.

Man, I'm a grinch.

Janine replies: 

You're not a grinch. Many people would not understand how it feels to want to have an Audi really bad and then have everyone, everywhere show up in an Audi and then invite you to admire their Audi, would you like to borrow our Audi?, why don't you just adopt an Audi, hey, you could get a secondhand Audi if you were serious about Audis, hey can you hold my Audi, man is gas ever expensive for my Audi I really hate it, whoa I paid my insurance on my Audi today and now I'm thinking my Audi ain't worth it, and "zomg Nicole Richie is going to get an Audi that is just so nasty does she even know who her dealer is?" and "oh Yumi, when are YOU going to get an Audi heh heh heh" and "you don't have an Audi? OMG I have two do you want one, I can barely find the time to drive the second one at all ha ha ha".

And then you explode.

Because cars are EVIL and we should all be WALKING.

Wait. Where was I going with this?
I forget.
Audi.

I like candy.

September 30, 2008

Oh, and did I mention that at work, I'm SURROUNDED BY PREGNANT WOMEN?

Limbo

I'm having a hard time right now, and I think it's because of all the aspects of my life that are currently in limbo.

Professionally, I'm in limbo. I'm waiting to hear that I didn't get the media relations job, and once I know this for sure, I can move on and make other decisions about my career.

Personally, I'm in limbo. Due to factors totally beyond my (and everyone else's) control, the pending IVF procedure is delayed. No idea when it might take place. Right now we are waiting for the creaky wheels of the overly taxed Ontario medical system to crank themselves into place. (Long story - has nothing to do with the OFC.)

My home is in limbo. It's almost October and we still haven't totally recovered from the hardwood flooring installation. The garage needs to be cleaned out to make room for the car for winter. That can't happen until the green room is set up. And for some reason, I can't deal with setting up that room. So Bundy has been on his own, and that isn't really fair. So I'm going to buck up and help him, hopefully this weekend. It's hard when we only have one day off a week together - I feel guilty when I insist on turning that day into a "work" day. And for the love of crap, if we could just get that fucking broken bookcase out of the front hall, it would go a long way for my mental health. I was dealing with it until Reg mentioned it on Sunday night - "Oh, that book case is still broken, huh?" Gah.

I'm feeling pressured by my dad about this photography business - whenever I speak to him, he asks how it's going, etc., and for some reason that stresses me out like nobody's business. I feel like he expects it to totally take off and that he would be so much prouder of me if it did, which is ridiculous because he's just expressing interest. (And I think he wants me to focus on it as an alternative to infertility.) I think I need to make it clear that the website is a place to send potential clients, but that I'm not looking to quit my day job anytime soon. (Having said that, I'm meeting a client next week about a June wedding.)

I just need some stability. And the constant news reports about the tumbling economy have me on the edge of an anxiety attack.